1. This is so fun– sort of like online shopping! Do I have a “cart?”
2. Please just don’t let me see anyone I work with.
3. Nice panda profile pic, bro. Pandas are the cutest! SWIPE RIGHT!
4. Is it just me or is every guy on here either 18 or 49…
5. Didn’t I go out with you last summer? Wait– if I see him, does that mean he can see me? Cuz I’m pretty sure I made up something about moving to Alaska…
6. Oohh you’re cute—-What the–19 ?!! Okay, this is starting to feel like To Catch a Predator.
7. Aww he likes dogs–I bet he’d make a great provider! The Price is SWIPE RIGHT!
8. Wait, how can every single guy that I like also like ME? This has to be broken.
9. Nah, look at me — I’m adorable!
10. This is amazing- I AM OMNIPOTENT! How you like me now, boys! TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT!!
11. I really should get out more.
12. Oh SNAP — Message from Mister Canine!
13. …Okay, maybe not husband material.
14. Aaaaand there’s my co-worker.
15. What the — How do I already have SIX new messages — don’t these guys have lives? And why is everyone on Tinder at 11pm on a Thursday night??
16. Oh. I think I get it now.
17. Well that picture was definitely taken in prison.
18. I should really start freezing my eggs.
19. How can all the guys be connected to my Facebook friends? I may need to start reevaluating my social circle.
20. Oh heyyyy there Joel — Why do you look like a total PSYCHO KILLER? Please exit stage LEFT and never look at me that way again.
21. Why’s everyone asking, “So what’s your story?” Is that some sort of special Tinder code?
22. For the love of GOD, please stop asking me if I’m really 32. It’s not a compliment.
23. I didn’t realize this was so smutty — I really have to delete this app.
24. Ok, so I can’t delete it because I’m completely addicted.
25. Aaaaaand there’s my ex-boyfriend.
26. So that happened.
27. This is the worst ever. I can’t believe he’s already dating! What am I going to—–Oh, hey there..
28. This makes OkCupid look like eHarmony.
29. Ooohhh you’re cute too — Hmm, who do you remind me of? Who cares, SWIPE RIGHT!
30. Aaaaaand that was my cousin.