The Things I Wish I Could Tell You Now

https://www.flickr.com/photos/camkage/
Cameron Russell

I’m sorry that our love often felt like a one-way street.

I stayed with you longer than I should have because I was afraid of being alone.

I shouldn’t have tried to make you into my everything—my lover, my confidant, my father, my therapist, my punching bag.

I stayed with you in part because I was terrified of hurting your family and having your friends all hate me.

I now see how wrong it was that I knowingly withheld sex, intimacy, my feelings, the truth, and all of the things one is supposed to give their partner.

When we went to couples therapy I secretly hoped that it wouldn’t fix us.

I thought about breaking up for an entire year before we actually did, but I was too much a coward to face it head-on. Instead, I tried to push you away and make the relationship insufferable.

I stayed because I felt safe with you.

I secretly wished you were taller and more confident, that you made me feel smaller and more feminine. I wanted you to be steadfast, to not be such a doormat, and to put me in my place when I deserved it.

The love that I had and still have for you is so strong and overwhelming that even today I’m not quite sure what to do with it.

I still don’t understand how it’s possible to love someone so profoundly and yet not want to be with them.

I don’t think I will ever find a man as kind, honest, patient, or loyal as you. I can’t imagine another man loving me as unconditionally and selflessly as you did.

You were the best friend I ever had.

A month before we broke up, I spent my days researching wedding venues; I guess love doesn’t always make sense.

There are those times when I’m so overwhelmed with good news or doubled over drowning in fear, and I immediately want to call you. No one can understand me quite like you; you were the only one who made me feel like it would all be okay.

I wish we could still be friends, but I understand why we can’t.

When we broke up the final time it felt like a chunk of my heart had been gouged out, like an entire slab of my identity had gone missing.

A couple of times in the past year, I experienced such dreadful anxiety attacks that I almost called you to help me through it. But I didn’t. I didn’t because I knew that it would make our separation that much more painful. I didn’t because I knew I was stronger than that, and that I owed it to you to not play with your heart.

From our relationship, I have learned so much about how not to handle a relationship.

It’s a year later and I still wonder every day if breaking up was the wrong decision. But today I am undoubtedly a stronger and more self-aware woman than I ever could be with you. I always gave you credit for making me better, but now I see that I’m the only one that has that power. We both made a ton of mistakes and perhaps stayed together far longer than we should have, but I don’t regret a single moment of those five years. I hope you feel the same. TC mark

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