8 Types Of Men To Be On OkCupid (If You Want To Ensure You Die Alone)

Night At The Roxbury

1. The oversharer

His initial message to you consists of artfully crafted sentences peppered with clever quips and subtle references from your profile. This long-winded spiel also includes details regarding his job, his nephew, his last 3 apartments, his new beagle, his old beagle, his mother’s gluten allergy, his first Phish concert, his top five favorite Ben & Jerry’s flavors, and many other pieces of completely useless information.

Personally, I find this to be incredibly off-putting. Don’t you have anything better to do than to write a 5,000 word essay to a complete stranger? Like a job or a hobby? Or the beagle! Play with the damn beagle! One of the most thrilling parts of the dating process is making these discoveries about each other, so let’s save some things for later.

2. The man of few words

On the flip side, this “Less is More” lad prefers elegant and understated messages such as:

“Hi.”

or

“Wassup.”

Or if he’s feeling particularly verbose:

“How are you?”

Oh swoon! Be still my heart– Pure POETRY!

I’m sorry but unless you’re Jared Leto, there is no way I will ever respond to someone who can’t come up with something better than that.

3. The creeper

He visits your profile multiple times a day, sometimes as late as 3am. (You do know we can see this, right?) But this creep of mystery chooses to never actually send a message. He’s just always there…Looming and perusing.

For the love of God, JUST. SEND. A. FREAKING. MESSAGE!! The whole point of online dating is that it practically removes all that embarrassment and social awkwardness from the equation, because you can say almost anything and the worst that can happen is that we ignore you or tell you to f*** off. No harm no foul.

4. The guess who guy

This cheeky monkey likes to post group photos. Only group photos, some involving more than ten people!

Perhaps you’re trying to convey how popular you are. But gentlemen, this is OkCupid, not Facebook! We actually don’t know what you look like, and we would like to before going any further. When you only have group shots, all that we can safely assume is that you’re the least attractive one of the whole lot. Be a sport and just show us what we’re working with.

5. The obvious misspeller

you + are = you’re

The end.

6. The cut to the chaser

His first message is one of the following:

“Can I have your phone number?”

“Can I take you out sometime?”

Or my personal favorite:

[sent at 3:25am] “Last call drink….??”

Oh hayyyyyy. Sure I’ll give you my number, Guy I’ve never talked to before in my life!!

What do you think we’re just doling out our numbers to any schmo who wants it? You gotta earn that shit! The least you can do is first ask my name and pretend to be interested in how my day was like everyone else.

7. The me, myselfie and I guy

Okay, so everyone can do whatever they want and #yolo and all that. If you happen to like selfies, then you go Glenn Coco, but they’re just not my cup of tea.

The thing I can’t understand is the guy on OkCupid who only posts selfies. Does he not realize how sad and depressing this makes him appear? Automatically I wonder if he has any friends at all; At the very least one to just to take the picture for him?! He could probably even coerce a person on the street to take his picture. I guess he’s just too busy chillin’ in the bathroom perfecting that Blue Steel.

8. The worst person on the planet

For some strange reason nothing infuriates me more than the following message:

“Hey…You look like the kind of girl that likes to have a little fun, amarite? [insert winkey face]

I like to have fun, Yes. I like to laugh and sing and play with puppies- Is that what you mean? Oh wait– you mean I look like the kind of girl who is up for casual sex and nothing else- Ohhh, That’s what you mean.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with someone looking simply to hook-up, but nowhere in my profile does it say that I am– Quite the opposite actually. So if you want a sure thing, howsabout you filter your search — Or just do like everyone else and use Tinder. TC mark

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