I’ll Do It Different Next Year

I once thought I should resist it;
life.
I thought I should ignore that voice inside
and instead listen to reason
and logic
and the measured steps of someone else’s drive.

I thought I should say yes,
when I actually should have said no.
So I fell down rabbit holes I was never meant to.
I ended up at dead ends I couldn’t turn around from.
I got lost without ever knowing the feeling of being found.

Now though,
I do what feels right.
I trust.
And I don’t need to fight myself anymore.
Instead I’ve learned to agree with that fiery one in me who knows.

I used to deliberate whether my own wisdom was correct?
If my vision was honest and clear?
But after trial and error,
of not listening and proceeding anyways,
I’ve come to the conclusion
this voice inside me
is absolutely sure.
This gut is true.
This heart is pure.
These lungs know how to exhale all of you… and to let go.

This throat understands authenticity.
It knows how to inhale faith.
It understands how to absorb spirit,
how to waltz with wholeness
and how to suck in unadulterated love;
this chest knows what is not,
that.

And so I listen.
And I believe in the correctness of first impressions
and insights
and whispered words from my guides.
And a weight has lifted.
And much pain too.

I say to myself,
“Forgive me.”
“I love you.”
“Let’s do it different next year…”
I accept the harm I may have caused myself while I was trying to live someone else’s dream,
and I release it and myself to begin anew.

I repeat,
“Forgive me.”
“I love you.”
“Let’s do it different next year…”

Because,
I thought I should resist it;
life.
But,
instead,
I’ve learned to do what feels right.
And trust.
And to arrive everywhere
completely.
For the fiery one in me knows
what feels right.
And what is right is precisely what I will do differently this next year.