Reasons Not To Kill Yourself Today, No. 7: Lindsay Lohan’s Going to Jail Again; Justice Lives?

Belatedly: Happy Easter, Lindsay Lohan! Go directly to jail and do not collect your Mini Eggs. Don’t worry, though. They sell them year round now. That’s a reason not to kill yourself any and every day. And yet I’m going to keep writing. Stay with me.

I think a lot of depression is just feeling oppressed. Like, the world’s not fair. As small things, we were deeply aware of this unfairness.We screamed about it often and loudly and especially when someone else got the bigger half of the popsicle. Then we grew up or whatever. Now when we think of oppression we think of Marxism (there is still European History in our heads) and then think of something else as quickly as possible. Some of us, anyway. Rest of us just get sad.

Lots of people are just as sad as Lindsay Lohan, but I don’t know how anybody could be sadder. Every photo of her, every interview, just reeks of lithium and bulimia. She does every [alleged] drug and sells her tweets. Maybe she has nothing to say for herself anyway. Someone once told me how she ran barefoot, crying, all up and down the halls of the Chateau Marmont, pounding on doors and calling variations of Samantha Ronson’s name. Most people who do flossy things in big cities have stories like that. I went to Paris Fashion Week once, and at Montana’s, there she was. Her eyes weren’t glassy. They were just glass. Like in a doll’s head. I looked away.

Lohan seemed born on the right side of every unfairness: redheaded (a rare thing, and before it was trendy), talented (she was, you can’t deny it), funny (same), pretty (same). She had everything, didn’t she? Oh, except the thing most of us take for granted: parents. Good ones. Parents who love us and don’t use us to make shitloads of money or become super-botoxed MILFs or get on reality television.

Still, girl was a fighter, and she had all those friends, and out of all of those not-so-bright young things it didn’t seem like she’d be the one to fall so hard. And yet. Now she’s on the wrong side of everything, mostly the law.

LiLo’s problems look so white-girl, so self-wrought, and she looks so dislikable now with her fish-lips and fake tan and her are-they-fake-tits in her slinky dresses; why should we be sympathetic? No one loves fallen starlets except to hate them. Besides, it’s not just herself she’s hurting. She drove drunk; she stole a necklace from a store. She doesn’t see why should be sorry. That one time in court she painted a middle-finger salute on her nails. This time she said the necklace was borrowed. Uh… huh.

So at this point, you’re like, and I’m like, Lindsay? Sorry, but you can’t not go to jail. We would like to believe in justice at least a per cent or two more than we believe in you, which is not at all, anymore. We who are not all Hollywood, if we drove drunk and stole thousands of dollars of jewellery, we’d be in orange jumpsuits faster than you can say “unflattering.” You can’t be special.

And we win. Lindsay Lohan goes to the slammer, again, and this time she has to stay, they say, for 120 days. That seems fair. When things seem fair, they also seem less sad to us.

Scooter Libby’s not in jail. The fraudsters of Wall Street aren’t in jail. Not one BP America executive is in jail, and no one really thinks they will be. Even Chris Brown pled guilty to beating the shit out of RiRi and didn’t go to jail. But Lindsay Lohan, suddenly-poor girl who was probably going to die Marilyn-style anyway, is safely behind bars. Sleep easier. Wake up to a fairer world. I guess. TC mark

image – Head Explodie


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  • Julene

    Didn't want to love this, but did. Bravo!

  • Ece Ismen

    I just love Lindsay. But I guess she had to be the one behind the bars. I hope they'll treat her nice. She's been through too much. Her life is like a sad Coldplay song.

  • lyndzluvr

    i can't breathe

  • Michael Koh

    SNP; thank you.

  • AaronWB

    Hard to get too excited about human misery, even if it happens to someone like her.

  • Molly Oswaks

    She posted bail and left, just hours after arriving. On Friday.

    • Sars

      I'm going to kill myself now.

    • scooter

      She got bail pending appeal, so if the appellate court affirms then she will have to serve the 120

      • fakes and ladders

        But that will never happen.

  • P. H. Madore

    I want to start a club called the LiLo Safehaven Alliance. We will be like an underground network. She can come to our homes and do all the drugs she wants. We will shoot paparazzi on sight and exchange fierce, protective looks with each other. We will always have Parent Trap and I Know Who Killed Me within arm's reach.

    Long live the American badass. She's much hotter than your weirdo dreams. Long live Lindsay Lohan, and may some place in Europe take her in when the People's Republic of California finally evicts her for being too naughty, too loudly, too often.

    • P. H. Madore

      I might really make that YouTube video that was suggested. Best coast my ass doll. Please come to Boston for the springtime…

  • fakes and ladders

    Except she posted bail on Friday so this article is irrelevant. Brb, going to kill myself.

  • Mark P

    When Lohan first started to hit the skids back in 2007, Sarah and I wagered on whether or not Lohan would win an Oscar within 10 years. Sarah predicted yes, I predicted hell no. The exact total of the bet has been lost to history, but I claim it was $200,000. Four years deep, and this is looking like the best investment of my life. AND, it was 200 grand in Canadian money, score!

    As a magnanimous gesture, Sarah, I will release you from the bet for a mere $80,000.

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