How To Get Friends Using Craigslist

Photo by Craig Maltby
Photo by Craig Maltby

Craigslist Ad: WANTED: Friends – Chicago South Loop area

I’m a NYC city girl who moved to the Windy City to be with my boyfriend. I have no friends here in Chicago, and I’m hoping this Craigslist ad will solve my problem.

In order for you to better judge if we would be compatible, you should know that some of the most satisfying friendships I’ve ever had include ones where we’ve communicated only via text and Facebook message and have seen each other only two or three times per year (50% of the time sober).

My requirements for friendship are pretty straightforward:

  1. I prefer you have no more than five selfies posted on your social media profile.
  2. I prefer that you’ve had a relatively severe substance abuse problem at some point in your life. I’m not picky about what kind of drugs as long as you’ve officially hit rock bottom, were really fucked up, and have tons of good stories to tell me.
  3. I have no gender preference as long as you aren’t skinner, better-looking, or younger than me.
  4. I have no sexual-orientation preference. But if you’re a gay male, I prefer you know how to organize my closet, teach me how to give the world’s best blowjob, and French-braid my hair (like simultaneously).
  5. I have no income preference as long as I don’t have to pay for you to do things. It would also be helpful if someone in your family owned one or more of the following: a vacation home, a lake house, a boat, or a pharmacy.
  6. Using the phrase “thank you much“ or ending conversations with “cheers” is strictly prohibited.

I’m a writer and have tons of free time. I usually write only for about three to nine minutes per day. So it would be best if you didn’t work. (But not like the homeless or welfare type of not work. More like the trust fund or rich husband type of not work.)

I rarely leave my apartment. So the majority of our hanging out will take place right inside my residence. Basically, I want you to be like a zip car. I don’t want to own you; I just want to use you when I need you.

If you are interested in the position, please shoot me an email, and I will reach out to you when and if I’m ready. TC mark

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