1. There’s always someone fatter than you – Seriously, just look around.
2. You may start a chain reaction – The last thing you want is for other people to steal your fire and be accused of not being original
3. There are drugs you still haven’t tried – A few pills never hurt anyone. (But a whole bottle has. So relax and don’t get any crazy ideas.)
4. They don’t have wifi in Heaven – point and case.
5. Throwing in the towel is so 1995 – Staying alive is the new “checking out.”
6. You’re smart enough to know how much life sucks – So you’re probably smart enough to make an actual contribution to the world.
7. Tara Reid is still alive – If she hasn’t given up yet, neither should you.
8. Your therapist would miss you – I’m just going to go ahead and assume that if you’re contemplating suicide, you have at least one therapist.
9. The Obama administration is almost over – You made it this far. Don’t give up now.
And last but not least…..
10. Pumpkin-flavored EVERYTHING will be here in, like, two months – Pumpkin-flavored beer, Starbucks coffees, Jamba juices, and McDonald’s pies!