I haven’t always loved myself, but my ego would tell you otherwise. Whenever I was single in the past, I would desperately make it my mission to maintain an “independent image” to the point of obnoxiousness. I’d be damned if anyone misconceived my “empowered solidarity” for pitiful loneliness. Nobody was allowed to decide how I felt about who I was, but this begs the plot-thickening question: Who the hell was I?
Did I actually love being alone, or did I simply love professing it to the world? Was I actually an independent woman, or did I love the idea of representing one? Truthfully, I had no idea who I was. I only knew that I was miserable and bitter. My need for external acceptance completely devoured my internal acceptance. My ego personified itself as a venomous dragon, spewing flames inside of me that burnt my core to ashes. I made no respectable effort to extinguish the flames, because my ego needed to believe I was unscathed by the fiery torches of sadness and despair. Who would I be if I succumbed to what I preached I wasn’t?
Naturally, the untamed flames grew into a scathing wildfire. The pain continually deepened, and I could feel my soul suffocating. My self-proclamation of being “happily single” was never a symbol of independence, but rather a burning scream for acceptance. I used to seek it outwardly, and it’d always result in perpetual disappointment and intensified feelings of worthlessness.
Why would I want to make myself happy through someone else? That’s like cleaning your neighbor’s home when your own home is dirty or putting gas in a stranger’s car when your car is on empty. Your house is still going to be messy, your car is still not going to run, and you’re still going to feel defeated. If you feel empty, nobody else but you can rectify that. Do you force water down someone else’s throat when you’re thirsty? Or do you put the water in your own throat? If the iced tea pitcher is empty, would you fill it with Mountain Dew? No. You would fill it with more Iced Tea, because it can only be full again by its own substance.
I’m not saying to not have valued people you depend on, but you can’t possibly have a meaningful relationship with someone else until you’ve mastered one with yourself. So stop trying to fill your own void with somebody else. Your substance is what makes you truly unique and badass. You will never be whole via somebody else’s substance, you’ll only inevitably dim your own unique substance and be diminished to a shell of yourself.
We all have days moments when we feel like the undesirable ornament dangling by the bottom pine needle. Just remember to not let a bad moment become a bad day, week, habit, relationship, etc. Don’t let your ego allow a scorching ring of fire to burn you. Never neglect your own substance because you’ve found a seemingly better substance in someone else. Always strive to always be whole in solidarity first.