To The Almost Boy Who Broke Me

person walking on forest
Jordan Heath / Unsplash

The most heartbreaking feeling is knowing that you will never tell me that you made a mistake and that you wished you had taken a chance on me two years ago.

I think one of the hardest parts of ever letting myself have feelings for you is the honest to god truth that I’m not sure I ever got over you completely. This could be because sometimes you’ll message me or you will send me invitations to events and I think that just for a split second that maybe just maybe you wanted to try.

But then I won’t hear from you for the next few months.

Maybe it’s time that I unfriend and forget about you. But then again, I don’t think I can ever do that because somewhere in the back of my mind I have a hope that you will come to me one day and tell me that you want to try.

However, I know for my sake I should just stop hoping and allow myself to move on. I mean if you don’t want me then someone else will.

It might seem scary for me to move on but it’s something I need to do for myself because one of these days you will find someone who you won’t want to turn down. And hopefully one day I will find someone who will want to do the same for me.

While I think I’ll always have some type of feelings for you because I’ll never truly ever be able to have a closed story with you I have to at least try to let myself move on and have feelings for someone else.

So, if I stop answering your calls, texts and invitations just know that it is because I’m trying to see myself without you in my life. For so long I pictured a future with you knowing that it’s never going to happen between us.

I care for you so when I ask you to understand why I can’t keep talking to you, will you understand? If you don’t understand then I have no clue how I’ll ever move on and let someone else into my life who wants to truly give me the love I deserve.

If you don’t understand does that mean that somewhere deep inside your soul that you want something to happen but that you’re too scared to act upon your feelings? But then again sitting here thinking about the what if’s won’t ever do anything for me because you will never be able to answer them.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that while I love you and want the best for you sometimes I hate that I have feelings for you. Sometimes I sit in my room and wonder what was so wrong with me that you didn’t even want me like I wanted you.

Sometimes I even sit in my room and imagine my life without you. If I would have never met, you then I may never have had this kind of heartbreak.

But then again, I believe that people come into your life for a reason. But what if it wasn’t you and it was someone else? Would it have turned out differently? Would I have found the person who wanted to be with me instead of you or would it of had the same outcome with someone else? I guess that is something I will never truly ever get to know or experience.

You may be asking yourself why I’m writing this even though I have a feeling you will never read this but I’m writing this letter to you because I need to work through my feelings for you and writing to you and trying to talk to you is the best way to do this.

I think that if the real deal between us really happened then you would have been so great for me. You could have been the love of my life. But hopes like that never happen in the real world. Instead, my heart was broken, and I felt as if my whole world had fallen apart.

So, I guess what I’m trying to get at here is that you broke me, and I still feel a little broken. Sometimes it isn’t very prominent but other days it feels as if the whole world is sitting on my shoulders and I don’t know how to end the pain that I feel every once in a while.

But, as the days keep going on I pick myself up piece by piece. So maybe this letter isn’t goodbye but don’t be surprised if one day I disappear completely. TC mark

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