Missing You Reminds Me Why I Left In The First Place

Susannah van der Zaag
Susannah van der Zaag

It may not happen all too often, but once or twice in your life you will probably stumble upon a person who is so good at being themselves, that the thought alone of them being part of a happy, giggling and rosy couple is confusing and irrational.

I used to be one of those people… and then you decided to burst into my comfy bubble of peace and quiet.

When we started dating you told me how much you loved me for the way I was. Being with me, you said, brought peace into your life and stopped the voices. I thought that this was a good thing but it wasn’t until today, the day I learned to be happy about missing you, that I understood that making your voices silent would make them scream twice as loud in the end.

Let me tell you that you stopped my voices, too. And I would be grateful and happy about it if it weren’t for all the voices you took from me. You soothed my demons and when they left they took all my beliefs with them. Today I know that I am who I am for every part of me and not only for the good ones.

I don’t know what you were driven by but I know that I was your challenge. You needed me to fit in that perfect love story you prepared for the both of us which of course led to our great and glorious failure. I remember the day I rushed through the streets in my car, at least twice as fast as I was allowed to go, going over red-lights, thinking that if I had an accident I wouldn’t actually mind.

This is how you made me feel.

This is what loving you did to me.

Looking back at the way we used to soothe each other’s souls, thinking that bathing in our sorrows together would make them disappear, I see where my mistake was.

I thought that loving somebody could make them get better, be whole again. Even love can’t repair something that broken.

It was the greatest illusion I had ever faced, thinking that love could glue your pieces together. Instead I learned that loving you and diving into all the parts of your soul I loved so much glued your insecurities, your fears and your unsolved riddles to my soul and mind and softly put me into the cage you tried to escape from with all your strength.

I still miss you today but I am proud to say that I am happy about being able to miss you. I am able to miss you because we’re not on the same page anymore. Missing you reminds me of the slow and dark path that led out of your cage, back to me, to my voices and all my beloved demons.

Missing you reminds me of the way one should not love and of the way I want to love.

Missing you reminds me of who I never want to be again and I am tremendously thankful for that. TC mark

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