College is a wonderful time of life decisions, mistakes, and ramen noodles. Schoolwork can be tough, but the life of a college student is filled with some of the greatest times that will be cherished forever. Everything is blissfully wonderful until your phone alarm goes off and you are a senior. How did this happen? Who let this happen? Mommy, Daddy, help me?
This sudden realization that the clock is half past euphoria and ticking quickly to reality makes one truly think about their goals in life. It’s a hard decision, deciding how you want to take your next step in life. Do I go to my hometown or go to an unfamiliar city? Do I accept any job that gets offered or do I really stick it out to find something that I love? So, you’re telling me I really cannot wear a t-shirt every day out there? Did you say budgeting? Explain.
But thank Beyoncé, there will always be someone lingering around waiting to ask you the most delightful question in the book:
What are you doing after college?
It’s inevitable that this question will be asked a multitude of times when a student is rearing the end of their college career. It’s a painful thing to answer. One, you don’t want to seam goalless, and two, you don’t want to lie. Is there a happy medium? No, but I will give you some alternatives.
1. In the words of a poet, “get out, (leave) right now.” JoJo could not have said it any better. Figure out a way to get your clueless butt as far away from this person and as close to food quicker than you can say, “jambalaya.” Here are some things you can say:
A) “It means a lot to me that you care, but excuse me for one moment. I am almost positive I just saw Rosie O’Donnell standing in the distance.”
B) “I am sorry, I didn’t catch that. I can’t hear correctly unless I have consumed a cheeseburger in the last thirty minutes. I will be back.”
C) “Excuse me, I am on fire.” (For this one you need to actually light yourself on fire or it won’t work.)
2. Casually slip the person that you are talking to a generous donation of an Abraham Lincoln, while you tell them to keep quiet. (If you can’t afford that, a GW will work too.)
3. After they ask you the question, begin to yell as if you are in a club with loud, electronic music blasting. Just keep repeating, “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, but this DJ is dope,” until they walk away.
4. Smile at them and nod. If they repeat the question, act like you can’t understand the language they are speaking. Like before, keep up the act until they walk away.
5. I don’t consider a non-truth a lie if it is obviously complete and utter bullshit. So get creative.
A) “Actually, Kim Jong-Un has asked me to be his adviser. We are pretty tight. I am leaving for North Korea the day after graduation.”
B) “I have been asked to be a college student for the rest of my life. It’s some social experience. They are making me take pills to grow a beard. I haven’t had the guts to ask them why yet.”
C) “Thank you for asking, I have actually began the slow process of collecting strands of human hair to create the largest hairball in the world. No two hairs can be from the same person as a symbol of unity and humanity. Do you mind if I have your sample?”
6. Reply with “I don’t know yet. What was your transition like?” Let’s be honest, if the person who is asking has already passed the college stage in their life, all they want to do is reminisce on their years of debauchery. To that, I ask that you please do. College stories show a side of a person that you might not expect to be there.
I understand that there are people who know what their next move is. I applaud you, because that is a hard decision to make and I am truly proud that you have figured it out. For those like me, I know it’s hard to answer when people ask the most unrelenting question there is, but know it is OK to still be finding your niche.
I leave you with a quote that I now live my life by: