Hey, you over there! Yes, you! Do you have blood coursing through your veins? Do you consider yourself a Homo sapien? Do you inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide? Well, this is just the nugget of writing for you!
If you have ever attended any school in any place (with the exception of progressive schools…hippiez, yo), then you have probably taken an exam. Let’s talk about exams for a minute. Exams can be super fun, especially in college when you enjoy your major because, let’s face it, it’s not really “studying” if you love every minute of it. That’s just not the American way. No sir. Exams can also be positive in that they are typically the only reason that you may open your textbook that cost you 106.67 boxes of sponge bob shaped mac’n’cheese, and they force you to learn. LOL (lots of learning!).
Exams can also come straight from Satan himself. Have you ever taken an exam that seemed like it was so devilish that it was probably printed on the paper that was manufactured from the tree that Adam and Eve committed the first sin from? Of course you have, because you’re a person. If you haven’t, I have reason to believe that you are a) superman, b) God, or c) my friend Madison (I hate you, xoxo).
Just like there’s no feeling that compares to walking out of an exam, carrying it out on a leash, and asking it to make you a sandwich because IT’S YOUR BITCH, there is, alternatively, no feeling quite like sitting down for an exam, reading the first set of questions and hoping that you accidentally came the wrong class that just so happens to be at the same time and place with all the same people and, oh!, they’re having an exam today too.
I haven’t always fostered this type of fuming hatred for exams. No, not the old Sarah, but this…this is a new Sarah. I’m on fire, and it might be from the insane amount of food I just ingested or the fact that I’ve been hibernating, studying vigorously for the past 8 hours only to ring my brain out like a wet rag onto that piece of Satan paper.
You know what I love? Multiple choice questions. Options. This is America, dammit. There should be no “fill in the blank” or “double matching.” Shenanigans. I digress.
Obviously, I’m a little shaken. I just took the hardest exam that I will even encounter. Probably. Not that this is important or relevant and you shouldn’t read it at all so just skip over this next phrase, but…I waited to study until the day of this exam. But, hey, I shouldn’t have to work hard for what I want; I should have it handed to me because #AmericaDammit. Regardless, whether your Satan-paper-exam was one for which you prepared for days or weeks, or whether you took the more common route with stops at procrastination station every 20 minutes, here are some ways to help cope with your PTSD (post test stress disorder):
You should really cry. What, Mr. Tough Guy, you “don’t cry?” That’s so amazing of you, did you know that I also “eat healthy?” Channel your Hilary Duff. Let the rain fall down. Water those seeds of knowledge that you just planted down on your Satan paper. You’re probably thirsty from your Adderall binge, anyway. Look at that – killing two birds with one stone!
Everything. My suggestion is to hit up your nearest Sonic. Most of their foods are bread- and cheese-based, A.K.A. rainbows- and butterflies-based. If your town doesn’t have a Sonic, the next best solution is to move to a town that does have a Sonic. Again…two birds, one stone.
Let Captain Morgan steer your life for the night. Jesus, take the wheel. Captain, take the helm.
Yes, this is a verb. Don’t you trust me? I do very well in school. Need to feel better about the competence level of your brain? No better place to go than the home of all things stupid. You can literally search “stupid” on YouTube and boost your confidence level up to “Wow, I have a standard life! #Blessed” level. If you don’t feel better about yourself after visiting old friends’ (maybe? You can’t tell anymore because fat rolls?) facebook profiles, then there’s always the bright side of the internet: animals. Furry nuggets of bliss. Awwww, look at that one! He’s wearing pajamas! #HowDoYouSpellPajamas? #2Kool4Skool
Technically, Netflix is the internet, but also technically, I DID study for that exam…can’t you just curve our grades?
6. Go to Target.
7. Find the nearest bed.
Mattress King 0.47 miles away from your classroom? Sprint there. BYOB (blanket), though…ew, germs. If you live on campus, congratulations! I hate you! If you know you’re going to be taking an exam that you may or may not have prepared for, bring a pillow pet in your car because a) they’re s’cute, and b) they are a pillow…and a pet.
Apply for the bachelorette or the real world or something, I don’t know. What’s on TV these days?
9. Get off Thought Catalog and start studying for your next exam. Sigh.
Also, stop reading Thought Catalog in class, and start paying attention to what your professor is saying, then maybe once that Satan paper comes around again, you’ll be more prepared to provide information on what REALLY matters in life, like what a French Renaissance façade looks like or what a Savonarola chair is, because, unfortunately we don’t have a massive database of all of this information that we can just search for and find within a couple of seconds, and most workplaces don’t even have computers…even if such a “search” possibility were possible. Internet? Never heard of it. Google? Are you trying to baby-talk me?
If none of these things prove to be effective in your endeavors, your money is guaranteed back! After all, you’re going to need it to pay off the four times you had to retake that course.