I have my period right now, and I hate it. I’ve hated it since the moment I first got it at 12 years old. I’m actually still in denial about it. Every time it ends, I feel like it’s the last time I’ll ever see it again.
Yet, like an unwelcome ex-boyfriend, menstruation has made a regular appearance every month for the past 20 years, minus the two years I was pregnant where it was absent (thank goodness).
Without further ado, here 10 reasons my period can go f*ck itself.
1. Going anywhere or doing anything seems impossible.
2. I can’t zip my jeans.
3. No matter what I do, I have stains on my underwear and potentially my pants, so it looks like I pooped on myself.
4. I look pregnant even though I’m clearly not. Hello, I have my period!
5. Whenever anyone says anything to me I want to tell them to f*ck off and die.
6. Period products are utter bullsh*t. Maxi pads feel like adult diapers, tampons are uncomfortable and leak, and I end up losing the reusable products in the chaos that is my apartment. Where the hell is that thing I paid 20 dollars for that’s supposed to save me money?
7. I want to sleep all day, but I can’t.
8. I want to eat everything all the time. And I do. And then I feel like a hot air balloon.
9. I can’t have sex, which solves most problems in life.
10. It makes me feel totally and utterly insane.
This has been a public service announcement.