1. No matter how much I deny it, I have a flair for the dramatic.
One time, when I was backpacking around Europe with my (then) boyfriend I decided that it was unacceptable that we hadn’t had a single fight in the entire month we’d been there. So like any sane person, I picked a crazy fight about the fact that my boyfriend would rather to read for a few minutes than listen to Eden’s Crush on my ipod. I screamed something insane about how he would never let down his walls and share his life with me and stormed out. It immediately satisfied my insanity enough to pretend to be normal for the rest of the trip, but as everyone knows, a storm off isn’t effective if you storm back in so I had to spend the rest of the day wandering around Paris by myself. After an effective amount of time had passed I returned to my extremely confused and apologetic boyfriend and had fantastic make-up sex. Maybe it wasn’t so crazy after all (no, but really… it was insane).
2. 90% of the time I am imagining that I am on a talk show.
“Yes, Oprah, I did go through a recent break up. Break ups are so difficult, especially when you’re in the public eye. The relationship had just run its course and it was time for both of us to move on, while trying to remain friends. I’m still in the process of trying to heal and reflect… Well, Oprah, I’m not ready for another relationship yet, but I am starting to go on dates… Haha, oh Oprah, I would love to double date with you and Stedman (Gayle)!… Who should you set me up with? Well if you happen to know David Duchovny…”Oprah will forever be my imaginary therapist.
3. My family will hate you.
Sorry, but it’s true. My dad won’t openly hate you to your face, but you can be sure that behind your back he disapproves of everything about you. My mother and grandmother, on the other hand, will hate you to your face. They will openly object to your religious background, education level, income, clothing, taste in food and sense of humor. They will mock you if you are too quiet and disagree with everything you say if you are too talkative. Even if you are their ideal wealthy, agnostic, highly educated liberal they will find something to hate about you. Don’t take it too personally though, I’m not even sure they like me very much.
4. I can be extremely flaky.
Sometimes I just don’t feel like doing things. I change my mind easily and often so don’t expect me to follow through on everything (anything) I say I will. I get excited about everything for short periods of time, including you. I also hate any confrontation where I will come across looking bad so if I decide to flake on something I will probably just not respond to your texts for a while and then pretend it never happened.
5. The more you like me, the less I will like you.
Ignore me, and I will probably love you forever. I recently followed an old high school crush 10 blocks because I thought he saw me and didn’t say, “Hi”. Show any interest in wanting to do anything beyond hooking- up with me and I’ll start to think you’re creepy. As long as you maintain a balance of showing interest and then retreating to let me chase you a bit, we can make it work. Don’t tell me you love me unless you’re absolutely sure I want to hear it. If you’re not sure, tell me when you’re drunk to gauge my reaction and then blame it on the alcohol in the morning.