5 Things You Should Know Before You Consider Dating Me

1. No matter how much I deny it, I have a flair for the dramatic.

One time, when I was backpacking around Europe with my (then) boyfriend I decided that it was unacceptable that we hadn’t had a single fight in the entire month we’d been there. So like any sane person, I picked a crazy fight about the fact that my boyfriend would rather to read for a few minutes than listen to Eden’s Crush on my ipod. I screamed something insane about how he would never let down his walls and share his life with me and stormed out. It immediately satisfied my insanity enough to pretend to be normal for the rest of the trip, but as everyone knows, a storm off isn’t effective if you storm back in so I had to spend the rest of the day wandering around Paris by myself. After an effective amount of time had passed I returned to my extremely confused and apologetic boyfriend and had fantastic make-up sex.  Maybe it wasn’t so crazy after all (no, but really… it was insane).

2. 90% of the time I am imagining that I am on a talk show.

“Yes, Oprah, I did go through a recent break up. Break ups are so difficult, especially when you’re in the public eye. The relationship had just run its course and it was time for both of us to move on, while trying to remain friends. I’m still in the process of trying to heal and reflect… Well, Oprah, I’m not ready for another relationship yet, but I am starting to go on dates… Haha, oh Oprah, I would love to double date with you and Stedman (Gayle)!… Who should you set me up with? Well if you happen to know David Duchovny…”Oprah will forever be my imaginary therapist.

3. My family will hate you.

Sorry, but it’s true. My dad won’t openly hate you to your face, but you can be sure that behind your back he disapproves of everything about you. My mother and grandmother, on the other hand, will hate you to your face. They will openly object to your religious background, education level, income, clothing, taste in food and sense of humor. They will mock you if you are too quiet and disagree with everything you say if you are too talkative. Even if you are their ideal wealthy, agnostic, highly educated liberal they will find something to hate about you. Don’t take it too personally though, I’m not even sure they like me very much.

4. I can be extremely flaky.

Sometimes I just don’t feel like doing things. I change my mind easily and often so don’t expect me to follow through on everything (anything) I say I will. I get excited about everything for short periods of time, including you. I also hate any confrontation where I will come across looking bad so if I decide to flake on something I will probably just not respond to your texts for a while and then pretend it never happened.

5. The more you like me, the less I will like you.

Ignore me, and I will probably love you forever. I recently followed an old high school crush 10 blocks because I thought he saw me and didn’t say, “Hi”. Show any interest in wanting to do anything beyond hooking- up with me and I’ll start to think you’re creepy. As long as you maintain a balance of showing interest and then retreating to let me chase you a bit, we can make it work. Don’t tell me you love me unless you’re absolutely sure I want to hear it. If you’re not sure, tell me when you’re drunk to gauge my reaction and then blame it on the alcohol in the morning. TC mark

image – zoetnet

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  • cecile

    #3, #4, #5. spot on.

  • Guest

    this was actually incredibly sweet; expected something obnoxious but got something cutely self-deprecating and, honestly, all too relatable. Kudos on being self-aware!

    • JD

      really? Am I the only one that thinks she sounds like a mess? I can't STAND mind games and #1, 4 and 5 sound like nightmares. Most normal guys would agree with me, no??!!

      • anonymous

        Yep. Agree.

  • Nicki

    #2, although most of the time I'm imagining myself as a stand-up comedian

  • Niv

    I thought I was the only one who finds it strange when there is no fighting for a month.

  • Lo

    EDEN'S CRUSH!!  <3 this.

  • Will

    This is exactly why guys will never understand girls. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

      Overly dramatic guys don't exist? Flaky guys don't exist? Are you fucking kidding me? I assume there's a high level of sarcasm to your post here, but its a bit too close for my liking.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I wish people weren't so 'flaky'. Take a shower dammit.

    • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

      and the crowd goes wild!

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        Sleep with me

      • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

        maybe
        maybe not
        maybe

  • http://profiles.google.com/petertiso Peter Tiso

    Also,  before you date me you should know,
    Papa was a Rodeo. 

    Now jammed in my head for the rest of the day.

  • JD

    wow, you sound like a real catch *eye roll*

  • maggie

    Um, most of these sound like deal-breakers to me, particularly 5.

  • Ellen

    ugh, i can really relate to no. 5 here.. but then again I'm only 17 so its okay for me..

  • Thisbe

    this is annoying.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

    “My dad won’t openly hate you to your face, but you can be sure that behind your back he disapproves of everything about you.”

    You know that just makes you like the guy even more. All women are just looking to get back at daddy one way or another.

  • Enn

    I hope this whole post is a joke because you sound, at best, an unnecessarily immature and difficult person to be with, and at worst, just a terrible terrible human being.

  • Serene

    These are just quirks. I'm sure all you haters have your own weird things you do that you think are totally normal. At least she knows how crazy she is!

  • Henry Blackham

    rofl @ kids thinking all girls aren't like this

    • Marina

      I am nothing like this. Superfluous conflicts are immature… If you care about someone why potentially hurt them for no reason? My family have their thoughts but wont judge; theyre not bigots….not most of them anyway haha. Flaky? Wtf I think about everything and potentially over analyze but if I say I'm going to do something I'm going to do it even if I don't want to. The part about liking someone less when they start to like you…. Idk but I think I have a form of insecurities thinking, why would someone like me or something…I'm not on a talk show but I will talk to myself on occasion. I think perpetuating the idea that all girls are like this is a detriment to others and ourselves and as it us true that woman may have at least one element of the eccentric woman above I'd like to think about why that might be… Sociologically that is… Sorry for writing you a book, I hope you read it casually it was not meant as an aggravated response.

      • Henry Blackham

        lol

    • coffeeandinternets

      Eh, I'm like 3 out of 5 on this. I can definitely be the Crazy defined in #1, but I also am not the girl who loves guys ignoring me.  I like it when guys like me.

      Which could also be defined as crazy I guess.

  • meaningless

    asshole

  • 20nothing

    1 thing you should know before you consider dating me: your personal dramedy is nice and all but i don't give two shits about any of it. all i care about is that you're hot and you ignore my drinking problem.

  • Christinan06

    I loved this post. I found it witty, real and honest. You can tell this post was meant to be taken lightly. These are all quirks that most people are too afraid to admit to someone up front.

    Great job.

  • SousChefGerard

    Was this supposed to be a deterrent? Didn't work, dear. You'll still be my dream girl I dump 100 other girls more suitable for me every year till you give me a shot at making you somewhat happy.

  • Jordan

    These kind of posts come up every so often (most often written by RO'C), and I always toe this line between being OK with the author for “acknowledging their quirks” or being stunned that a person would acknowledge them yet be so willing to accept them or flaunt them.

    • Ted

      aka stay away from this woman if you have any sense whatsoever.

      • brandypass

        “RO'C” ?

      • Jordan

        Ryan O'Connell

  • Amanda

    I was hoping this would be more imaginative than the typical, “I start drama, EW don't you dare like me!, my family will hate you just because you're 'you'” bullshit. It wasn't a horrible article but I feel like it could have been much better.

    Plus, if those are your issues I'm sure we need to know more than 5 things before dating you.

  • Teukros

    Amazing that you're okay with all this.

  • Bre

    You are pathetic, and you sound very self centered and annoying. Congrats.

  • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

    girl you crazy as hell~

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