I’m sorry. I find myself saying those words so often. I know that annoys some people — they even tell me that I say it too often. When I get told that, I feel worse. My automatic response to that is always, “I’m sorry.”
I’m in a constant apologetic state, even when I haven’t done anything wrong. Many, many times I’m apologizing for my personality. I feel like I need to tell people that I’m sorry because I always feel like I’ve annoyed them.
Again, it’s not that I’ve done annoying specifically. It’s just that I feel like even speaking to them is something annoying. That’s the wrong frame of mind, and I know that. It’s not just with new people either. This continues with people that I’ve known for years. I’ll apologize for texting them. I’ll apologize for asking to see them. I’ll apologize for almost any form of contact with them.
This can all come around to fear, and I should know better. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I worry about contacting you. There’s a lot of times that I want to say things and I’ll hold back for fear of annoying you. I’m sorry that there can be weeks —sometimes months — where I don’t say anything to you because I’m afraid to. You’ve been a great friend to me, never anything but, and I feel privileged to have your friendship. I’m sorry that I’m so afraid to lose it.
I pull away from people because I’m afraid to lose their friendship. I know that I can be overwhelming. I know that I can be such a needy person and it can drive people up the wall. I know that I’m a bit high maintenance, but I try not to have expectations. Not for my friends, anyway. I just want them to remain my friends.
I’m sorry that I disappear so frequently. I’m also sorry when I don’t disappear frequently enough. I’m sorry when I double, triple, quadruple text. I’m not desperate for your attention, but sometimes I just want to know that you’re still there. I’ve been working on this fear of losing people. I’ve read so many cliche internet quotes telling me to stop chasing people, to just let them go. I never manage to. I want to hold onto people. I’ve always wanted to hold onto people.
I’m sorry that I invite myself around a lot, and I’m sorry when I pressure you into coming around or hanging out, whatever the circumstances are. I say sorry when I do that, even when you say I shouldn’t, because I feel like I’m a burden. I never mean to burden people. I’m sorry if I ever actually have burdened you.
I’m sorry that I’m so emotional, yet when I’m around people, I won’t let it show. I feel like me discussing my emotions is nothing more than a waste of time. I feel like you have so many more interesting things to talk about, to say, to do, rather than deal with me. I’m sorry if I’ve ever interfered in your life in a negative way. I hold things in until I break, and then the thing that causes me to break ends up being so damn trivial.
I’m sorry if you’re tired of me saying that I’m sorry. I’m not sorry that you came into my life or I came into yours, though. I will never be sorry for that. I’m not sorry for the impact that I’ve allowed you to create in my life — I never will be. I’m not sorry that I grew to love our friendship and grew to know that you are an incredible person under almost any circumstance.
I’m not sorry that I’m finally comfortable enough to open up to you and to tell you what’s actually going through my mind. I’m not sorry that you have become someone that I look up to, no matter if you’re older, younger, the same age as me. I’m not sorry that I get to have you in my life. If I’ve made a positive impact in your world — and I hope that I have — I’m not sorry for that. I’m not sorry that I’ve grown to care so much, because you’re worth it. I guess I should put it this way. I’m sorry that I’m afraid to lose you. Please be patient. I get trapped in my head and don’t know how to accept friendship. I’m not sorry at all for your friendship.