Thank You For Disappearing

woman wearing off-shoulder crop top while holding her hair
Astrit Malsija / Unsplash

Thank you for leaving me behind. You left me behind, you threw our friendship into the wind and it crumbled like dust, the ashes flying back against me. Thank you for that. I needed you to leave in order to become a better person. Who were we trying to kid? We spent time talking about our past, present, and future – but in the future, I never saw you there.

I knew that you were a flight risk all along, and that’s why I could never truly give you my trust, my love, my full being. I could never give you complete openness. It did hurt when you left, it did hurt knowing that my “best friend” wasn’t there anymore. It felt like a chunk of me was disappearing and it felt like I didn’t know what to do anymore.

It took you leaving to show me what a true friendship is. I started letting other people in and started listening better. I started following my dreams – the dreams that I never would have been able to share with you. I started reaching for the stars and grabbing onto them, refusing to let go even if one or another burnt me. I started trying to achieve.

You weren’t there for that, though. You were already long gone. You were long gone before you sent your final stinging words. You were long gone before you sent me that hateful message on a day that should have been happy. I don’t know what to say other than Thank You. Thank You for showing me what a friendship really isn’t.

Thank you for showing me that a friendship isn’t one-sided, one person shouldn’t be working harder than the other in order to get to that point. One person shouldn’t be crying and feeling hopeless and alone when you’re sitting in the same room. One person shouldn’t be feeling abandoned when you leave when they needed you the most.

Friendship is a team – it’s two people that are bonded together. It’s two people that care about each other enough to be there, to be that listening ear, to be those open eyes, to care about one another to the point that they’ll be open and honest with one another. In my current friendships, I have that. I have people that I see in my future. I feel that I can be open with them, I feel that nothing is based on trivial things. I feel a solid ground underneath my feet.

I know that I can be myself without fear, without trials and tribulation, there’s no turbulence in the friendships, they’re not rocky at all. They don’t take me for granted and I don’t take them for granted. We know that our friendships matter to one another and we think about each other. We think about what the other person needs.

Thank you for leaving. It taught me that friendships aren’t always what they seem to be – that people aren’t always what they seem to be. There are people in my life now that have earned their place and deserve to be around. They deserve to be where they are in my life, and they’ve proven it time and time again. They’ve proven that they don’t take me for granted and they’ve proven that they care.

I no longer question my worthiness of friendship, I no longer question my worthiness of love, and I no longer feel lonely when I have someone sitting just feet away. Your disappearance was the best gift of all, and I thank you for that. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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