Sometimes I get writer’s block because I’m afraid that you’ll see anything that I post on here. Sometimes I’m afraid that you’ll know that I miss you. Sometimes I’m afraid that you’ll take that and you’ll run with it; making me miss you even more. Sometimes I have to fight the urge to text you and tell you that I love you, I miss you, I forgive you, and beg you to just please come back so that I can stare up into those beautiful eyes again and tell you that I love you.
I miss hearing you tell me you love me. I miss hearing you say that you won’t go anywhere; that you’ll be there forever. I miss hearing you say that I’m your best friend and you wouldn’t be the same without me. I finally understand now when people say they want someone to lie to them. I want you to lie to me and tell me that it was all a bad joke.
Yeah, I’ll be angry. I’ll be livid and at most won’t talk to you for a few days but it’ll just have been a cruel joke and I know that my heart would let you back in. I think that’s the worst part. My heart would let you back in with no issue. My heart would let you back in with no problems. My heart would let you back in my life and we’d start this…whatever this is all over again. Straight back to square one, wouldn’t we?
I can convince myself that you meant the things that you said to me sometimes. I can convince myself at times that you actually cared about me. I can convince myself that you really did love me, but there are times where I can’t, and that’s when my sadness kicks in. My sadness becomes overwhelming and I can’t do anything about it, because what it all boils down to is that you lied.
I know that I’ll recover. I know that I’ve been recovering, slowly, but surely, I’ve been getting better. I’ve gotten back my will to live, I’ve gotten back my will to try, and I’ve gotten back my will to become my own person again. I know that there’s nothing more that I can say to you, and there’s nothing that you could say to me to make the situation any better. Lie to me, don’t lie to me, just stay away, I love you, don’t go.
This is what you’ve done to me, and I know that eventually, one day I’ll be better. One day, I’ll forget what it’s like to feel your arms around me and to look into your eyes. One day, I’ll forget what it’s like to run my fingers along your scars and tell you that you’re beautiful to me. One day I’ll forget you because I’ll have found what I deserve.
One day I’ll find someone that knows what loyalty is. One day I’ll find someone to trust, that will love me in the way that I love them and you’ll just be a fleeting memory. I came so close to giving up after you, but that’s the thing now. I don’t give up. I fight, and I fight, and I fight. I’m still here, and I’m still fighting. You came close, but you did not break me. I’ve learned who I am. I’ve learned to love myself. I’ve learned to love what I do have, and who I do have.
I’m not going to say thank you for hurting me. You don’t deserve to be thanked, but I’m thankful to myself for learning that sometimes, the best things in life are right in front of me and I don’t need another person. I’m thankful to myself for being able to love myself, love my family, and love my friends. I’m thankful to myself for learning to love myself without needing the validation of another. I’m thankful to myself.