I let him get away with a lot more than I should have. I should have left before things got out of control as they did. I guess it’s my fault for staying around so long and convincing myself that he actually cared about me. I guess it’s my fault for thinking that I actually meant something to him more than just something to be there. Something tangible. I never actually meant anything to him, and that’s the most painful part. I saw the Skype messages, the “I love you”s from the other girl.
I saw his response. The “I love you” he said back to her. My heart was shattered at that point. I don’t know if it was actually shattered but it felt kind of broken. Kind of. It felt empty in a way. I felt kind of dead inside, I felt like I didn’t matter. I never mattered. I felt like it was all just a joke. Again, I felt like I was just something tangible to this person. I felt like I was just someone that he needed to be there physically. His heart was never in it.
I deserve that though, don’t I? I deserve it, because I didn’t see it coming. I deserve it because I didn’t go through his phone. I deserve it because I didn’t watch his every move. I deserve it because I didn’t sit and go through everything that he’s done. I deserved it. I deserve what I got from him, I deserve what I got from everything in the situation. I deserve it, I deserve it, I deserve it.
Wait, let me think about it. Let me stop and think about everything and think about what’s happening. He cheated. He’s the one that had the girl on the side. Or had me on the side. He treated me like a side chick? Excuse me? It just clicked in my head that I am literally being treated as a side chick. No. I didn’t deserve that. I deserved better than that, I deserve better than that, I deserve better than everything. I deserve better than someone that makes me feel like I’m some kind of piece. I’m a side piece. I deserve better than someone that I have to question. I deserve better.
If I have to go through his phone, it’s not okay. If I have to question his every movement, it’s not okay. If I have to question everything that he’s doing, every moment of every day, it’s not okay. If I have a gut feeling that everything he’s doing is wrong, then I deserve better. We all deserve better.
Don’t settle for someone that makes you question yourself. Don’t settle for someone that makes you question them. Don’t settle for someone that makes you wonder if they’re being loyal or not. You should be with someone that makes you happy. That you just feel this instant comfort and safety with. And I hate to break it to you, but they aren’t going to be that guy that you’re working so hard to fix. If you’re working to fix him, then it’s not him.
If you’re working hard to take care of someone and they’re not putting in the same effort, then they’re not what you want. If you want someone, and you have to fix them, or change them, then run away. Just run away. Remember, that you deserve the best.
You are a fucking star, you are better than any star in the sky, and any star on earth, and you deserve the best that there is. Don’t settle just because he’s there. Don’t settle just because he’s someone you think you could care about. When you learn to love yourself first, he’ll come to you. Stop looking for love, stop trying so hard, and you’ll find what you’re looking for.
And no matter what: Love Yourself First.