Sometimes I feel like I’m broken. I don’t know why my depression exists. It’s just something that’s been there since about middle school. I have a great mother. I have a great grandfather. I have a great father figure. My family is amazing. It has nothing to do with them.
That’s always the first thing that people think of – they look at my family and wonder if it’s anything to do with them. It’s to do with me. What part of that is so complicated to understand? Depression is a chemical imbalance in someone’s mind. It can have something to do with surroundings, yes.
In my case I never had to wonder if I could turn to my mother for anything, because I knew that I could. I knew that she would and still does try her hardest to make sure that everyone’s happy. She does her best to be our rock – she forgives our mistakes and tries to help us get through them rather than rip us down for making them. I know I frustrate her at some times. I know that there are times that she doesn’t understand the depression either.
Sometimes I just want to disappear until I can come back and tell everyone that I’m repaired. I’m not broken anymore – I’ve found true love and happiness in myself. Other times I want to scream at the world because depression is rearing its ugly head and I want to tell everyone what’s going on. I want them to understand that life isn’t easy when you’re depressed.
I want people to stop asking why there’s a depression there. What caused it? Sometimes it’s nothing. Sometimes it’s just something that shows up just to remind me that it never fully disappeared. It could be at the most random times too. It could be when I’m out with friends having a great time and then depression will just pop up. The haze will surround me and I’ll make an excuse to leave.
It’s not like it’s something that I want to happen. It’s not like it’s something that I go out searching for and it’s not like it’s something that I think is good or beneficial for anyone involved. There are times that I think that my depression makes me toxic, so I’ll avoid talking to anyone. I’ll stop responding to texts, stop responding to calls, stop going out anywhere at a risk that I can run into anyone.
I won’t even go to the store to get necessary things because no matter what, you never know when you could run into someone that you know. I’ll just stay in my house. Stay in my bed. I’ll turn on the same episodes of the same shows that I’ve watched a million times. If I don’t do that then I’ll sit in a dead silence and will myself to just go back to sleep.
I’ll sleep for days. There will be days at a time. Spans of time where I don’t understand why I’m around. I’ll go between hot and cold, I’ll twist and turn, I’ll force myself up. I’ll force myself to stay awake at the end of those days and I’ll force myself to do the things that I need to do.
Sometimes it’s easier than others after a few days. Sometimes I can force myself up, get my work done and other things just to keep my mind occupied. Other times I can’t do it anymore. Other times I just surrender and lie in bed willing myself away. Other times I think about actually running away. Choosing somewhere on the map and just going – eventually realizing that I couldn’t quite afford to do that.
My biggest frustration is when people underplay what depression is. They act like they know it because their second cousin twice removed’s best friend has depression, and they got through it, so you should be able to get through it too, right?
I never said I wouldn’t get through it. I’m going to get through it, I’m going to get through this. I have hope and I always see a light at the end of the tunnel guiding me to the end of where things are, so no matter how dark it is I keep walking. I’ll force myself to go forward because staying in bed for days isn’t going to get me through it.
I know that I have to keep going. I have to keep walking. I have to keep forcing myself to move. I can either move forward or I can move backwards. Hanging onto the past is what’s keeping the depression stronger. I know that. I’ve always been one to cling onto the past and hope that if I stay in the past then the nostalgic feeling will become reality. I know that I have to move forward though. We all have to move forward, we can’t keep stepping our way back. No one can actually live in the past.
Take the memories of the past and cherish them, love them and release them. They are not where you are now. Holding onto the past is holding you in place. You cannot live there, you cannot live in the past. You can’t stay in place while you’re in this darkness. Just walk forward. Walk toward the light at the end of the tunnel and push yourself through this.