Chances are, if you are between the ages of 21 and 35 (or older, of course – no discriminating here), you have partaken in the act of Boozy Brunch. For those of you living under a rock, this is an afternoon affair where a bunch of hungover (or still hammered) young adults assemble to enjoy an endless supply of delicious food and alcoholic beverages. Basically, if you don’t depart with a combination of blissful tipsiness and a slightly unsettling food coma, you did something wrong.
At this point, I have been to enough Boozy Brunches in my day to effectively break down the types of people you are bound to see. Let’s explore:
1. The Brunch Snob.
This person clearly didn’t rage last night – and it’s evident by their fresh face of makeup or perfectly coifed hair. There is no sign of hangover anywhere – and you can’t help but wonder what they are even doing in a place that offers whiskey as the soup of the day. This is not the place for classiness – and they are just being offensive by showing up.
In addition to being painfully overdressed, you can identify the Brunch Snob by the dirty looks they are shooting at the brunch-goers who are rocking the glazed-over eyes and multiple empty pitchers. #MoveAlong
2. The One Who Hasn’t Been Sober for Days
This person is notorious for spending the entire weekend shitfaced – and never passes up the opportunity to keep the party going at brunch. Others may be shocked at how they start slurring their words within the first 15 minutes, but the sad truth is that they just haven’t given their body enough time to even slightly sober up.
When you are brunching with this individual, you and your friends will likely end up encouraging them to eat some damn eggs and chug some water. They will probably take a small sip and a bite, and then go back to downing that passion fruit mimosa like it’s their job. Essentially, this person is either the best person to go to boozy brunch with – or the worst.
3. The Foodie Who Sucks Out All The Fun
This person is different from the Brunch Snob, because he or she isn’t judging the drunkies or rolling their eyes when someone walks in clearly wearing last night’s dress. Instead, this person is overly opinionated on the quality of their eggs benedict, or can’t stop comparing the avocado toast to the “to die for” dish she had in some hoity-toity place last weekend. Obviously, nobody else really cares about their impeccably detailed food critique – but this person is unaware, and just keeps on going.
Until someone decides to give them the brutal reality check they need, you’re just going to have to continue listening to their mindless chatter – and will make a mental note of who to “accidentally” remove from the group chat for next time.
4. The Serial Instagrammer
You will have to repeat yourself at least 3 times when talking to this person, because they were too busy debating on the best filter to use for their Bloody Mary and French toast masterpiece. Don’t get me wrong, we all do it – but this one takes things to an entirely new level. This person will also get noticeably offended if someone at the table doesn’t “like” the photo – even though they will play it off like they’re joking. Basically, everything he or she participates in is pretty much solely “for the ‘gram” – or for the “snap”, depending on their social channel of choice. You sometimes wish this person would let go of their obsession with documenting everything, but are also kind of grateful that they do – because one of those gems just might be profile pic-worthy. #BrunchinWithMyBitches