Let me start off by saying that I am not a person that typically watches sports, and I won’t pretend I do. When my sisters and I were younger, my dad would make valid attempts to get us into them. However, we pretty much just thought Tom Brady was cute, and would ask questions such as “What does ‘interception’ mean?” (By the way, I’m one of four girls in my family – so for various reasons, my dad hates his life.)
However, despite my usual disinterest, it’s no secret that Super Bowl parties are an American tradition. Based on the ones that I have attended through the years, I have come to the conclusion that there are 5 types of people that will always be present.
1. The person who is solely there for the food.
How did your famous guac disappear so quickly? Because this person was wolfing it down like it was his or her last meal on earth. Someone will inevitably make a joke such as “Whoa, buddy! Save some for the rest of us!”
This is where things can potentially get real awkward real fast. If it’s a girl, she will get immediately self-conscious and probably starve the rest of the game. If it’s a guy, he will either own it – or start making fun of someone’s haircut to shift the negative attention away from him. Either way, the food is disappearing too fast – and people are getting hangry. And you have this scoundrel to blame.
2. The person who is solely there for the alcohol.
“WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” – This drunkass when the team everyone is rooting against makes a touchdown.
This person showed up still hungover from clubbing the night before, and resorted to the good old hair of the dog cure. Therefore, he or she is pounding drinks like it’s a dorm room pregame. While it is initially amusing, it eventually becomes infuriating for the people that actually care about the game.
You can only deal with their slurring and spilling for so long before it’s time to call this clown a cab.
3. The die-hard football fan, who is yelling curse words at the TV that you didn’t even know existed.
This person is fully focused on watching the game – and nothing else. Serious question: When was the last time they took a bathroom break? Their butt has probably made a permanent indent in the couch, because they literally have not moved.
Whether their team wins or loses, just be prepared for all hell to break loose. Also, if it’s your significant other and you jokingly make fun of them for their team losing, you will most definitely get dumped. This person is not messing around.
4. The fake sports fan, who actually has no idea what the hell is going on.
This person is probably sporting a jersey of their “favorite” team, and attempting to make relevant comments throughout the game.
The fake enthusiasm is so obvious it’s painful, and you can’t help but wonder what their Google search looked like the day before. (Probably “How to understand what’s going on so you don’t look like a dumbass at the Super Bowl party”) Their #GameDay instagram post is also definitely a selfie. Isn’t it cool when people pretend to be something they’re clearly not to fit in? #Goals
5. The person who doesn’t even make a solid attempt to hide their boredom.
How much longer is this? When does the half time show start? I feel like nothing exciting has happened for the past hour.
Once they try to instigate beer pong during an important play, that’s just the last straw.
Fortunately, you don’t actually have to kick this person out – they will most likely make up an excuse to leave early and go home to watch Netflix.
Needless to say, there are certain people who are notorious for killing the vibe at Super Bowl parties. The silver lining here is that you can gain something very valuable from this, which is determining exactly who to leave off your guest list next year.