Yeah, he’s hot, but is he a good person? Stable? Mentally healthy? Emotionally expressive? Does he communicate well? Are his beliefs empowering or unrealistic and distorted?
Character comes first.
Meeting new people and dating can be an interesting experience. Usually you can tell right away if someone is going to be a healthy connection or not.
In 50 years, you’re not going to be with someone based on the way they look. You’re going to want to be in a connection with someone based on the strength of the spiritual connection, the conversation, and the meaning of the commitment the two of you share.
If you’re truly looking for something long-term, it starts with you—you need to get healthy first, you need to find your value, you need to learn boundaries, and you need to find purpose and meaning in your own life. Getting married or having kids isn’t going to give you the same value and meaning in your life that comes from something deeper. Your purpose should come first. If not, the void you felt before your marriage or kids will remain long after you make those other commitments.
That void only leaves once deep healing work has been addressed, and that is where true purpose is born.
Purpose work is born out of what you came here to heal. Purpose work isn’t just a “passion”—if it doesn’t have a deeper meaning, eventually you’ll get bored or burnt out. Divine purpose is rooted in fire. That fire burns because you’ve learned who you truly are, and that alone sustains you (yes, when you find it, it will sustain you materially too). What I’m saying might sound obscure or far-fetched, but it actually couldn’t be more accurate.
You need to heal to find your true purpose. You also need to only be in connections that support this new you.
If you’re healing or have been on a healing journey and are now looking for a partner, you need something more from that connection and commitment than you may have sought out prior to healing.
Here are some red flags that can help you discern whether or not the new connection in your life is worth pursuing:
1. If they turn everything around on you to make it all your fault.
They do this because they are refusing to look in the mirror. They don’t want to own their mental and emotional health, and therefore, they won’t be considerate with your mental and emotional health either. Red flag!
2. If they don’t have empowering, safe, and divinely embodied beliefs.
This a huge one. Someone with unhealthy belief systems will continue to project rejection onto you. This is because they are rejecting themselves deeply and continuing to not feel good enough. You will be held back in the relationship by this other person’s beliefs if you stay. Instead, stay far away—love yourself more and walk away.
3. If they see themselves as the victim.
If they see themselves as the one who is always the victim of something or someone, they aren’t standing in their worth or power. If they are not standing in their worth or power, they won’t allow you to stand in yours in their presence either.
4. If they cannot communicate their emotions clearly.
At the very least, you need someone with a base-level understanding of themselves through their feelings, and they need to be able to share those with you with both confidence and conviction. Without this, the relationship will never be healthy. If you are the only emotionally mature one in the relationship, you will always feel alone.
5. If they can’t commit.
If they can’t commit, then they are not actually committed to their own growth or to themselves. Their lack of commitment to you could also come from unhealed childhood trauma. If they can’t commit, run for the hills. The right person will bring up commitment early on, and will discuss what they want with you and what they see in your future together.
6. If their dreams are too small or they are only focused on love.
Someone who has self-worth has big dreams for themselves and a lot of ambition. Someone who is looking for an escape from life will look to love to be their end-all be-all. Steer clear.
7. If they are someone who doesn’t make you their priority.
Never ever give someone a lasting chance when they continually show you how unimportant you are. You are important. It’s not their fault if they can’t see that, but it is your responsibility to recognize when your value is not being understood.
8. If they are someone with an inability to compromise.
I’m a pretty fiery individual… super fiery. Most of my planets are in fire signs, and it shows in my general disposition. Yet I understand the value of compromising, admitting when I’m wrong, and fighting for a cause together instead of just fighting you. It took many years for someone like me to be humbled enough to get out of my own way. If someone is all fire and doesn’t have soft spots, they will fight you on all fronts. If they can’t compromise, run. If they dictate everything, run. That’s not a real relationship. Relationships are a compromise.
9. If they can’t be vulnerable.
This is a big deal breaker in my book. If someone isn’t able to lay all their cards on the table, they shouldn’t even be seated across from you. Vulnerability is key for relationship success. It humanizes the other and also gives both parties the opportunity to move closer in love.
These are just some red flags that come up early on in a new connection. When these are present, things like small wins, true intimacy, deep connection, understanding and being seen (the real gold that comes from connection) doesn’t have room to be there.
On the road to healing, learn to throw out old ways of being in a relationship and move into deeper, more conscious understandings of love.