1. Cry in public.
Cry on the street, on the subway, in a bar, you name it. “Hey sister, life is tough in the big city” as my Dad would say, and man is he right. New York is like an annoying younger brother who seemingly loves you one minute and then out of the blue punches you straight across your face because he felt like it. This city catches you off-guard and for no reason at all, takes a huge shit on you when you least expect it. Word of Advice: I promise you if you cry in public, not a soul will even notice because as New Yorkers, we are used to seeing this and we completely understand the need to have an emotional breakdown on the sidewalk so LET IT OUT, sister.
2. Accept a new meaning of the word “unfair”.
I went back to my hometown over the holidays and all of the high school kids in the waiting room at my eye doctors were complaining about how unfair things are because they have earth science first period this semester. Excuse me children, but “unfair” is crying in public on Ninth Avenue because the umbrella you just bought with the last $12 in your bank account broke and you have to walk to your therapist’s in the dirty New York rain. Word of Advice: When things present themselves as unfair, try to laugh about it. One day you will look back and laugh about the time you stepped on that dirty used condom on the street while walking to a single’s mixer on Valentine’s Day only to go home drunk and alone.
3. Eat like you are still in college.
Living in this city will suck your bank account dry in a heartbeat. Groceries are wildly over-priced, therefore, you find yourself stocking up on ramen from Duane Reade. Before you know it, your debit card is getting declined while you’re trying to buy soy milk from your bodega. My dinner last night consisted of peanut butter and honey nut cheerios in a solo cup and four glasses of old white wine from the fridge, so yea, no adults over here. Word of Advice: Trader Joes will soon become your new best friend, as it should.
4. Realize everyone wants to be a comedian.
You will know at least one person that does stand-up. Your Facebook feed will fill with people promoting their sketch shows. You will have an overwhelming urge to pull out your hair if you get one more invite to that kid’s Tuesday night stand-up show in some back room of a bar on the lower east side. Word of Advice: No one has ever gotten their big break by loudly sharing their jokes in the UCB line, guys…so cool it.
5. Find any reason to consume alcohol.
“TGIF” is for small-town amateurs. We here in New York have mastered the art of what we deem as acceptable reasons to drink. You finally called your landlord to come investigate that weird water stain on your ceiling? That deserves a drink! You had a rough day because the subway you got on turned from an A local train to an E express which shot you five stops out of the way and made you late for your Brazilian wax appointment? You deserve a vodka soda after that one! We can even order alcohol delivered to our doorstep within the hour, we don’t mess around. Word of Advice: You should always pre-game your lease signing because there is nothing like a little tequila to help you feel slightly better about spending 100% of all of your money on an apartment that can’t even fit a couch. This goes hand-in-hand with a celebratory glass of wine on the first of each month because phew, your rent check cleared.