20 Non-Political Reasons Why Brexit Is Bullshit

1. British food, let’s be honest, goes as far as a decent English breakfast and Sunday lunch. The rest of our culinary favourites were stolen from other countries because we were great at invading and culturally appropriating. Boring. Europeans eat better than us and their produce is better quality. Not boring.

2. British weather is consistently shit, reaching scorching highs of an overcast 18 degrees in July, followed by two weeks of rain. The Brexit brigade has now made it even more expensive to escape the rain. Thanks.

3. Quietly enjoying a nice cold beer on a tram in Berlin isn’t greeted by the same British disapproval as you’d get in say Coventry. Not quite the same city but you get the idea.

4. Out of 507 million European citizens, 89 million of them are aged 15 to 29. Ignoring the 15 to 20-year-olds (depending on how old you are), think of the loss of dating opportunities now we are confined to our shitty little island.

5. Sub-point. Europeans are really really good looking. I emphasise this: really good looking. But like British taste, we like to stick to the comfortable, the bland and the unseasoned, so now we can look forward to centuries more of boring conventional Brexit sex that is as exciting as beans on toast. Great. Missionary here we come.

6. There are over 600 music festivals in Europe. Thanks Brexit for making it more expensive for me to have to choose between Leeds fest watching fifteen-year-olds gurn in the mud or rows upon rows of Topshop flower headbands at Glasto. Croatia, Belgium, Amsterdam, I’m thinking about you. (yes I know we can still go to the festivals before you start giving me shit, Brexiteer, but you see what I’m getting at).

7. Smoking cannabis is no big deal in a number of EU countries that have either decriminalised it completely or made it legal for medical purposes, from the Netherlands to Spain to Austria to Belgium. Yet we get our British Brexit pants in a twist and are told from approximately age three and a half that anyone smoking is immediately going to hell. Cool.

8. Heineken, Stella Artois, Peroni, Estrella: what do they all have in common? Yep, not from Brexitland.

9. According to a recent study, Parisians really like having sex, and seem to be pretty good at it and exploring the joys of love making. Us Brits get roughly ten minutes of foreplay and nine minutes of actual sex. Tell me again who voted Leave?

10. University fees are currently running at a cool £9000 a year throughout the UK. Most of my French friends paid under 500€ a year and it’s free in Germany. Ace.

11. According to a social survey, French people consider that “the typical British man either wears a bowler hat or has purple hair; he either carries an umbrella or carries knuckle-dusters. While the typical British woman either wears a dull sensible skirt or has green hair and ripped jeans and gets drunk before breakfast.” See points 4 and 5.

12. It’s worth reiterating. Europeans are really really good looking. European beauty reveals itself across a stunning variety of (now) 27 member states. In the UK at least we can say there is London, a buzzing cosmopolitan microcosm. But then again, it’s full of people that aren’t British. Back to point 5.

13. The coffee is better in Europe. Fact. Whether you prefer it Italian or French, it’s better than Costa.

14. The EU plans to make wifi available in all towns and villages in all EU Member States by 2020. Brexit idiots. Look at all the 4G you could have saved.

15. Cheap European flights will be a thing of the past now that Brexiteers have won in closing our borders and locking us into living on this magical Brexit island of the future that won’t let anyone in or out because we are British and everyone must do what we say in a passive aggressive manner otherwise you’re an unpatriotic bastard and hate the Queen.

16. Terrace culture > beer gardens. Point blank.

17. Europeans are much more integrated, sharing a identity card and enjoying borderless travel across the continent. We have to take a boat or a plane to get anywhere decent and when we do we have to make a point of it by not speaking any other languages other than English and complaining about foreigners. Brexit is just going to exacerbate this British arrogance. Morons.

18. Over half the EU population can speak two languages, integrating cultures further. In the UK we speak Brexit. I brexit, you brexit, he/she brexits, etc.

19. Europeans spend more on their health care. NHS underfunding has failed to deliver a system fit for the 21st century, in key areas including life expectancy, cancer survival and infant mortality, Britain is the sick man of Europe. It’s no surprise that the British model is 14th out of the Member States. Where’s that £350 million a week then, Nige? Idiot.

20. Theresa May is an unelected Prime Minister. If anyone starts talking about the EU democratic deficit as a reason to leave the EU, I will scream.

Happy Brexiting, guys! What a bright future ahead.