If Cover Letters Told the Truth

To whom this may concern because I do not actually know who you are but I will use this classic way of addressing unknown people to sound a little more intelligent,

Hi there, my name is Sara and I am pretty awesome. I hope me bragging about the parts of me that are awesome are not too off-putting, and anyways this is what you expect from me and from any other potential employee because you are only going to glance over this for less time than it takes to pour a cup of coffee. By the way, I love coffee – see, we have so much in common as people as well, just to throw in a hint about how my personality could fit into your current company environment and staff. I am also really friendly, so friendly; I love people even when I don’t.

Now I am going to prattle on about my skills. I am good at a bunch of things, so many things – but not all of the things. I do have weaknesses, which include biting my nails and getting anxious over both trivial things that do not even really matter and existential questions over my own existence. I will try not to let these things interfere with my work. If I ever need a personal day for such reasons I will tell you I have food poisoning, but I do not miss work without advance warning. I got a perfect attendance award in high school, which shows that I will be good for your financial benefit, as you will not lose money from me as you use me for your goals of conquering corporate America.

Lastly, I will tell you about how my prior work experience makes me the perfect contender for the position you have open. Even if it does not make me the least bit qualified for what you are looking for, or even if it is not the least bit applicable to the role, I will extract random details and tidbits from my experiences and twist it to make it seem relevant. Hopefully, you will not see through my bullish*t, although if you do it does not particularly put me at more of a loss than I am now not being employed, making money, or doing anything to add to the greater good of society.

I think I would be a good fit for your company, for the above reasons that I mentioned to try to make me look like a more capable human being than I feel like I am, and thank you for barely taking the time to read this.

With the highest regards,

Sara Paige