To The Person I’ll Never Know How To Stop Loving

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To the person I will never know how to stop loving: I’m sorry.

I was never the girl who fantasized about being in love. I never spent time as a girl daydreaming about what my wedding would look like. I never believed in soul mates, finding “the one,” or fate.

Instead I was an independent person, who didn’t like to rely on a boy. I prided myself on that. You could ask anyone, I was the person who was terrible at being “in love.”

But then there was you.

To the person I will never know how to stop loving, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I ruined us before we even had a chance to start. I wish I could give you a reason. I wish I could blame it on being young, being naïve, or just plain stupid. Or maybe it was a little bit of all of those. To this day I still cannot give you a solid reason.

What I do know is that I’m sorry I took away a chance at being happy. A chance for you to be happy, a chance for me to be happy, because we were so happy, like the annoying “in love” happy.

People always say your significant other becomes your best friend. They were wrong, they become so much more. You weren’t even mine for that long but you became my everything. I went to you if I wanted to spill a secret, if I wanted to cry about the rotten day I was having, if I wanted to just lay and watch White Collar, or if I wanted to make crepes with you in your kitchen while you danced and made me laugh until my stomach hurt.

In our short time together, you shattered this whole idea I had of love. You made me want to be in love, you made me believe in love – or at least our love.

I could say all the cliché things like “you made me want to be a better person” or “you changed me” but that wouldn’t do it justice. Because even though you did those things, you also gave me hope. You gave me plans for the future. You gave me a life to look forward to. You gave me you.

Now that I think about it, I’m sorry isn’t the right phrase. I’m devastated. I’m devastated I didn’t choose you. I’m devastated I let fear come between us. I’m devastated I didn’t have the courage to say yes to you, to stay and not run away. I’m devastated that a girl, who didn’t believe in soul mates, met hers and turned them away. And I’m devastated waking up everyday knowing this. To the person I’ll never know how to stop loving, I’m devastated. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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