1. Responses to Anne Gus.
I’m offended, you’re offended, we’re all offended, that’s great. I get it. I’m truly happy to live in a world where we’re all so open minded that even joking about being opposed to interracial relationships causes a shit storm big enough to blow up the earth. But honestly. What’s the point in writing all these well thought-out responses in attempt to educate a person who literally does not exist? Maybe save it for, I don’t know, an actual racist?
2. “Date a Girl who _________.”
Here’s a revolutionary idea, how about we: Date a boy/girl/individual who asks you out on a date and whom you would like to commit a few hours of your life to over coffee?
3. “367 Reasons You Should Pack up All Your Bags and Travel RIGHT THIS FUCKING INSTANT! SERIOUSLY, GO NOW!”
If the only French you know is “bonjour” and “hurry up with my damn croissants,” maybe don’t pick up and move to Paris because trust me, you will not be a fan fave (I speak French and even then, it was a rough six months because Parisians don’t exactly win the “warm & fuzzy” award). Also, if you’re living on ramen and free meals and you’re currently reading this article at an internet café, I’d venture to say it’s probably not worth robbing a bank/taking out a hefty loan/starting a meth lab to acquire the necessary airfare to get across the world to do all that travelling in the first place. Y’know, cost and benefit analysis and all that.
4. How I Met Your Mother think-pieces.
I’m 3 episodes behind and the finale has already been a little spoiled so QUIT RUINING IT FOR ME!
5. Listicles ripped straight from Reddit.
Just kidding, I actually live for these. Reddit is too chaotic for me and I refuse to acclimate myself to a site that looks like the internet just threw up.
6. “This Video of a Baby Riding on a Puppy While Eating a Cupcake will Make Your Day.”
I’m at work so while I can read “10 Struggles Only People Who are Exactly 5’2” with Blue Eyes and a Nose Piercing Will Understand” and still maintain the illusion of getting shit done, the same can’t be said for a video with sound. By the time my lunch break rolls around, I’ve already forgotten about this nugget of joy, and my day has decisively been deprived of being “made.” Let’s all make an agreement to only publish videos on the weekend, or after 5pm, yes? Good. I’m starting a Change.org petition.
7. 18 Things Taco Bell Doesn’t Want you to Know.
How dare you open my eyes to the horrors of crusty black beans and imitation horse meat without proposing any alternative for my drunken 4am Doritos Locos Tacos cravings?!
8. Really Snarky Listicles.
Bitch, where is your thesis? That central thread you’ve got running through is weaker than my 93-year-old grandma’s immune system.