Falling Apart When It Seems Like You’ve Got It All Together

Flickr / Guilherme Yagui
Flickr / Guilherme Yagui

I want to shout. I want to kick and scream and cry. I want to look in the mirror and yell at myself. I want to punch my pillow and chuck belongings at the wall. I want to sob inelegantly and piercingly. I want to cry so hard that it gets arduous for me to breathe. I want to bawl so hard that I have to take a moment to catch my breath for trepidation of passing out.

I want to be alone on my closet floor and I want to fall apart.

I want to fall apart. For one hour, one minute, one second…I want to fall apart. For one moment I want to think to myself, “why me?” and “what am I doing wrong?” and “will things ever get better?”

Just for a moment. I promise, just for a moment.

I have learned to hold myself together relatively well over the last few months. I can go hours, even days without displaying any signs of sadness or despondency. I can have conversations with my best friends and be the cheeriest and liveliest I can conceivably be all the while feeling like my insides are surrendering in about to explode. They have no idea. I can put on a smile and laugh and be blissful while simultaneously feeling my stomach flipping around and spasms of unease and apprehension shooting throughout every inch of my body every few seconds.

I want to fall apart.

I have been holding myself together for so long. I can fake being composed so well, even I have started to believe it. I see people and they tell me how tough they think I am. They tell me they admire me for my strength.

I want to fall apart.

Maybe I am tough and maybe I am strong. But it is not something that is there 100% of the time. It takes conscious effort and struggle. I have to be cognizant of my bodily and facial expressions anytime I feel like I am being crushed and trodden internally.

I want to fall apart.

I am happy. I have an amazing life. I relish every single day as much as I can and I respect and appreciate all of the relationships with all of the people I have in my life. I am not depressed and I am not miserable.

Not all of the time at least.

There are some days where I feel less than the person I want to be. I get stressed out. I overthink. I deal with difficulties internally.

And sometimes I just want to fall apart.

It is hard when you’ve got everyone convinced that you are seamlessly okay and so blissfully content. It is tough to reach out to friends when it seems like my sadness and pain would be a burden. Not just to them but to me as well. My sadness has become a liability for me. It is easier for me to put on a smile and fake it till I make it than acknowledge my low moments and deal with them.

But I’ve learned that it is okay to want to fall apart. We have to do it every once in a while. Because through falling apart and feeling like you are being broken from every possible angle is when you learn how to put yourself back together. You go through the low moments to feel and to assess and determine what it is you are feeling. You acknowledge it. You allow yourself to feel. You allow you to open up to yourself in the most raw and intimate way possible. You fall down. And then you teach yourself how to get back up.

And you do. You get back up again. Every single time.

I want to fall apart. I want to feel helpless and destitute for a moment.

And then I want to put myself back together.

When you fall apart you have no choice but to toughen up and put all the pieces back where they belong. It is up to you how to want to create yourself after a breakdown. Fall apart so you can come together in the most beautiful method possible, in the most compassionate technique you can imagine, in the most elegant manner you desire. TC mark

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