1. You rely on the sheer size of the internet to shield you from attention, kind of like how the last place anyone would notice you would be in a huge throng of people. Actually, it’s exactly like that. It’s paradoxical, but it works…except for when it doesn’t.
2. When it doesn’t work, you’re like, “Damn, how’d they find me?” But I mean, the answer is pretty fucking obvious. They found you in the same place you were hiding. The damn interwebs.
3. You live in constant fear that someone is going to tweet at you, even if it’s something positive.
4. You once read the comments section, and it still keeps you up at night.
5. You never really want to engage people you don’t know on social media, and just hope they go away. (Side note, if anyone has a Xanax they’d be willing to lend me, feel free to slide into my DM’s.)
6. If you could have it your way, you’d just go off the grid completely.
7. You now see the merit in pen names. Would it be too late to change to one?
8. You have a lot of empathy for actual celebrities. How do they live with the constant criticism and trolling? You could never do it.
9. Long gone are the days when you enjoy checking your email as a welcome distraction.
10. The last time someone publicly called you out, you didn’t sleep for 3 days. It took everything you had not to stage a murder so you could be a witness to it and go into Witness Protection. At least LinkedIn is safe.