I realize this title is misleading and before you ask, no, I did not get a boob job. I did, however, go on birth control which made me go up a cup size (estrogen, TURN UP). Going from not really having boobs to having a respectable amount of boobage is a weird transition to go through overnight (okay, over the course of a month or so). Here are some struggles I’ve faced and continue to face now that my boobs are considerably larger.
1. Sleeping on Your Stomach…
…is not a thing I can really do anymore. In my A days, I would always sleep on my stomach, but with my head turned to either side so as not to suffocate myself (I’m not a monster). Nowadays, not so much. That shit is too painful. It’s been a long road, but I’ve eventually learned to sleep on my side, like everyone else. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m a hero, but…
2. You never know what fucking bra size you are
The nice lady at Lord & Taylor told me I was a C. Now you’re telling me I’m probably an A, maybe a B on a good day? The fuck do you know, bitch? Oh, you makes your living measuring women at Maidenform? Well…uh…fuck you, I will not let you dash my dreams. If you C it, you can be it. You can take that to the bank, or to your marketing team.
3. You’re now spilling things down your cleavage.
Ahh, that water is cold!
4. Hugging comes with more struggles than it should
You’ve grown to enjoy the way your tall guy friends will squeeze you tight and lift you five feet into the air, except now you can’t do that anymore because OW, BOOBS BEING SQUISHED!! PUT ME DOWN, CAN’T YOU HEAR ME? THIS SHIT HURTS! I WILL KICK YOU IN THE BALLS AS RETRIBUTION!
5. The newfound “Tent Effect”
Suddenly I can’t wear all the shirts I want–loose-fitting crop tops, I’m looking at you. I’m not sure which designer thought that having your boobs make your shirt into a giant tent was the look now, because it’s not cute.
6. You have to wear a bra all the time now
Sucks, but there’s really no getting out of it unless you want a wardrobe malfunction that would make Janet Jackson jealous. Not to mention I feel straight-up uncomfortable without one. Patriarchy: 1. Sara: 0.
7. Clothes shopping is a pretty big guessing game
That is, an even bigger guessing game than it usually is. Welcome to No Woman’s Land, where a size medium is suffocating and the large hangs off you. No, I do not want to take a $20 shirt to a tailor who will charge me more than the shirt itself cost.
8. You now understand what sports bras were invented for
And it’s not just to have something cute and neon to put under your bro tank when you’re at the gym. Now you are all to familiar with the very real risk of nearly poking your eye out when you run on the treadmill, or go down a flight of stairs a little too quickly.
Not a struggle, but…
9. You catch yourself shadily checking out your cleavage in every reflective surface possible:
A mirror (duh), a car window (cross your fingers nobody’s in it), an extra-reflective puddle…you name it. Yeah you now have some extra weight on your chest (see what I did? Anyone?) but it’s still pretty fun to be finally living out your pubescent dreams, even if you’re 22 now. You know what they say, no pain, no gain.