They say that people, places or things themselves are not the cause of our heartbreak, that rather, it is our beliefs about them which drive our pain at full speed. It’s not so much that the pieces of our pasts are irreplaceable, it’s more so that we still believe they belong in our future. It isn’t that we won’t eventually find our way out of chaos, it is that we believe we never will.
It has nothing to do with being unable to let go, but everything to do with the fact that, even after everything, we still believe there’s something worth holding on to.
That’s what is making this so difficult — it isn’t you, it’s her. She knows what the “logical” thing to do is. She knows that she should have listened to her friends weeks ago. She knows that she should stop reading into every little “sign” the universe throws her way. She knows that she should be with someone who knows a thing or two about honesty. She knows that she should have been over you already.
For some reason though, every time it comes to you, she throws logic out the window. She chooses to ignore what’s right in front of her; a person she can barely recognize anymore. A person who used to treat her like gold, but who decided to drop her to second place the minute pride got in the way. A person who made a choice between convenience and vulnerability; a person who chose to leave her out of that decision. Yet, even with all the evidence screaming like sirens in her brain, she still can’t drown out all of the other things her mind has to say.
While she’s the type of girl who knows right from wrong, she’s also the first to admit that sometimes life isn’t so cut and dry. She seldom sees life in terms of black and white, even when she needs to. She thrives off of the grey areas; the maybes and the hypotheticals and the constant digging-often times for things that just don’t exist. She isn’t satisfied with the “shoulds” and “oughts” and “musts”; she wants to find more. She’s the girl who looks past logic and turns to her heart; the one who believes in emotions and feelings just as much.
She’s torn between what she knows she should do and what she feels she should do.
Every time she tries to do the right thing and forget about you, that other part of her keeps getting in the way. She caves and runs back to you when you message her out of the blue. She keeps the memory of you alive by only remembering the good times. She makes a choice to remain a prisoner of her mind by believing that you cared about her. Despite every single one of your fuck ups, she probably still thinks you do. And it is this gut feeling she can’t shake, this recurring thought that won’t go away, that is making getting over you seem nearly impossible.
I know people think she’s being crazy for still holding on to something she needs to let go of. I know they think she’s being completely irrational for still believing in ghosts. To be fair though, she thinks the things she does because of the way you initially treated her. What did you expect her to believe after you spent all that time getting to know the real her? How was she supposed to react every time you looked at her like she was the only person in the world? It’s the times you stayed up all night to talk about absolutely nothing with her. It’s all the questions you asked her that no one had ever taken the time too. It’s all the plans you made with her for Christmas or next summer. It’s all the times you made her feel like time would always come to a halt for you two.
Those are the memories that have sewn themselves into her mind. Those are the roots that keep tangling around her feet every time she tries to walk away. See, I know they say that people, places or things themselves are not the cause of our heartbreak. I know they say that our beliefs about them are what hold us hostage in a reality that no longer exists. But what they never tell you is that sometimes, for a thought to grow, it needed to have been planted in the first place.
So maybe this is about you after all. Maybe if you hadn’t been so hot and cold with her, giving you up would be a hell of a lot easier. Maybe it’s taking her this long to come to terms with all of this, because the shift between the way you acted before and how you’re treating her now will never make sense. Perhaps despite every person who’s called her stupid or naïve, she’s been right about you. Maybe the person you were before somehow got lost along the way. Maybe you got cold feet and decided to run before you got any more attached. Maybe you forced yourself to change your mind in order to protect your heart from harm’s way. Maybe she’s right for believing that you used to care about her, but at some point, you decided you didn’t care enough to stay.
Getting over you would be easier if you never cared at all; her mind wouldn’t be working the nightshift if she never saw the person you used to be. But one day, she will realize that she deserves someone who shows her that love is consistent and never convenient. She will see that “used to care” is a weed compared to the rose who “always will”. She will see that one is a promise to love until infinity and beyond, and the other is one that never belonged there.