I Miss Who I Was With You, But I’ve Reached The Point Where I Wouldn’t Go Back Even If I Could

@losangeles

I saw an old picture of us today and I couldn’t help but wonder if we could have seen any of this coming. If we could have watched it all go up in flames, would we have fetched some more wood for the fire? If we knew things would get to this point, would we have even tried? If we had a chance to start over, would we remember what it felt like to fight on the same side?

Because there was a time when “us” was a promise to keep fighting for something that meant a little bit more than “you and I”. A time when our hands were enough to make the clock’s stop ticking. There was a time when we’d get drunk off of each other and didn’t give a damn if the whole world was there to see. A time when you made me want to be the best person I could be.

I’ve always been the girl who laughed loud, but with you, I always laughed a little bit louder. I’ve always been afraid of trying and failing, but you made “impossible” sound like nothing but a figure of speech. I’ve always been one to look on the bright side, but you made me want to smile even on days when the world had carved me a custom-made frown. I spent so much time building walls but with you, they suddenly wanted to tear themselves down.

So, how did we end up ten yards back from where we started? What was it that made our perceptions of each other get so fucking distorted? When did something so sweet become so sour? Why did we let weeds grow instead of flowers?

Because now I’m the girl who has bad blood coursing through her veins. Now I’m the one that had to learn that fire and ice burn just the same. You see, I’ve turned into the girl whose words are only used as gun powder. The one whose idea of love keeps getting a little less loud.

The truth is, we bring out the best and the worst in each other at the same time. One minute we’re building each other up, and the next we’re laughing while we tear each other down. We feed off of our insecurities, using them against one another to make us feel a little less shitty about ourselves. We’re the kind of toxic you want to reach out for, but know would be best left on the shelves.

We’ve let the past consume us so much that we ruined any chance at a future. We bottled our feelings in like shaken Coke bottles, then acted surprised when one of us would finally explode. We left too many words unsaid, but picked and chose to say only those that we knew would hurt the most. We turned the people we used to be into nothing more than a collection of ghosts.

Now we’re just tugging on a rope that won’t seem to break, waiting to see who will be the first to let go. We’re holding on to frayed ends that won’t mend back together, trying to fight for a second chance that always comes and goes. I miss the way I was with you, the way we lived so carefree. But I just want us to be ourselves again because we both know there can never be an “us” if we keep forgetting what it means to just be you and me.

I guess we became addicted to the rush of it all, the way we turned off our brains just enough to feel everything we’ve ever missed. And as much as I hate the way things played out, something keeps telling me it was all worth the risk. I may not be the same person I was before you, but I can’t help but think that maybe this was exactly what I needed to grow. And even though the curtains are almost done closing, we must admit that we put on one hell of a show.

I saw an old picture of us today and I couldn’t help but smile because I know we had seen all of this coming. Because we watched it all go up in flames that very first day we locked eyes but decided to enjoy the warmth of the fire. Because deep down we knew we were destined to get to this point, but we didn’t let it stop us from making good memories along the way. Because even if we had a chance to start over, we would never take it anyway. TC mark

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