Maybe I’ll Never Really Move On (And That’s Okay)

Everyone is telling me, “Don’t let it consume you.”
“Move on.”
“You don’t need his validation.”
“What’s meant to happen will happen, and it will only be the best.”

But similar to my previous relationship, these are not mutually exclusive. Because the we that is consuming me, is the same we that shapes the me moving forward.

Before looking toward my future, I needed to feel the hurt of our end. I needed to understand the faults that were eventually our demise. And I needed to make the transition of putting the focus back on me.

If I had the proper closure, maybe I could have listened to everyone and truly felt it. I could have actually moved on and known that I don’t need his validation or anyone else’s for that matter.

But I don’t have that, and I’ve come to the conclusion I likely never will. Even in relationships happening to those around me, I am seeing how rare it is to truly be on the same page as someone especially when that page is turning. And seeing how that page can turn with your hand nowhere near it.

So in a jumbled brain with a shattered heart, I’ve realized it’s okay not to move on. Let me sit in this moment for now; working through the knots I’ve so easily made out of my thoughts, staring at walls of insecurities I never knew were built so high.

One day, he’s making plans to teach me a card game, the next day he doesn’t respond. One week, he flies out to visit, the next week he doesn’t call. One minute he’s asking to Skype, the next he doesn’t text back. Until eventually his silence is the only remaining thing of his I know.

And even in this very moment, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know one day, like everyone tells me, the sting of his absence will only turn into distant memories. And I truly do look forward to that day.

But for now, I’m okay with the salt in my wounds. I’m okay with this consuming me. I’m okay with sorting through my hurt so I can come to the solid realization that it’s not my fault and it never was.

The nights I have spent, tossing and turning followed by days spent with my mind nowhere near brought me to now know the love I shared was unfiltered. What I gave was genuine and consistent.

By fully experiencing this, I am allowing myself to learn what it is that will tear down these walls I can’t seem to shake. While remembering may seem like it’s pulling me down and only dwelling on the past, I can feel it filtering into a coming reality.