Trigger warning: This article contains content involving suicide.
What happens when you don’t commit suicide?
When somebody commits suicide, we all feel the impact. The suffocating lump in our throats keeps growing and there is nothing more than just confusion, pain, and regret with the thought that “I should have stopped it.”
But what happens when something actually stops it from happening? How do you keep on living after your life was hanging by a thread and you were ready to end it? No one ever talks about the survivors.
You live on, trying to deal with the feeling of not feeling anything anymore. Because after feeling so much pain, something inside your mind changes. You become like a ghost, spectating and not truly living life. Maybe somebody will send you to therapy, to try and “fix you.” In reality, in feels like they just trying to redeem themselves about the fact that you almost killed yourself (and maybe they were part of the reason why).
With time, you’ll grow a somewhat cynical view against people, the ones who still try pity you.You just want them to treat you normally and move on, as if nothing ever happened.
But when you look in the mirror, you understand their concern. You don’t look like yourself anymore. There is a completely different person looking back at you, with no trace of the person you were before it almost happened. You can see it in your eyes: complete apathy.
Each morning you get up with the thought of not actually being here. You pour yourself a cup of coffee, drinking it while it’s still too hot that your throat burns, but at least that’s an affirmation that you are, indeed, still alive.
Nothing seems to matter, because everything, in fact, dies. But you are still one of the “lucky” ones since you are alive.
The little voice in your head is still whispering “You should have done it,” each day tugging at your arm like a child to just do it.
But whatever you do, please don’t listen to that voice. It may sound like the easy way out, but is easy worth the pain you already went through?
As each day passes, you’ll get better. It’s never easy to continue living after almost dying, but let me tell you one thing: it is so worth it. Even if there will be days again, when you don’t want to get out of bed or just feel like crying, keep going and just be proud of yourself that you survived another day.
I’ve learned that there isn’t a better feeling than understanding the fact that you have a second chance in life.