When I was little, I didn’t really understand why villains were so evil.
What had happened to them? Why did they turn into such monsters?
Years later, two heart breaks, and one giant distraught mess later, I understood.
I imagine these were decent people whose faith in humanity was utterly crushed. They probably suffered a betrayal so severe that their ability to empathize and love was damaged beyond repair. It is the wickedness they never foresaw, and that is what creates a black hole of anguish.
You had said so many lovely words. So many nice gestures and little moments. I was sure you were being sincere. I had never could have predicted what you were going to do to me. You have reached inside the deepest parts of my soul and infected it with confusion and tragedy. With a piercing pain that no amount of distraction or drugs could ever take away. I learned many lessons. I confirmed my previous cynicism: that people are not to be trusted- those who do not hold themselves accountable especially.
You make me want to hate and destroy, lie and cheat, avenge and fabricate myself into a person that I despise. You make me keen to embark on a sexual rampage to forget how I loved the smell of your embrace. You make me want to give up all my best qualities in attempts to become someone who you might not just abandon. You make me think that your problems are my responsibility, treating me spitefully as a result, since I presume you associate your flaws and uncertainty with my presence.
If the closest ones to me are the ones who hurt me, what use is kindness and compassion? I might as well take a latex uniform and a slapstick name and start exploiting and swindling people into an illusion that will ensure no one will ever abuse my vulnerability. The same one that you have completely devastated, even though I have never done anything to hurt you.
You once said that you were afraid that I would break your heart, and I sorely said that you were mistaken. I was right, just as I am now.
You will regret it. You will rue the day that you mentally detonated my soul, all because you were afraid and threatened by discrimination and lack of comfort. The very intolerance that empowers the real villains of this world. You will live your life carrying this burden, and I will move on with a titanium fence covered in electric barbed wire around my love.
Or, you will forget about it and live in the kind of ignorance that induces pity for lack of awareness and development. Either way, I am disgusted at myself for wanting to inflict such pain on you. It terrifies and magnifies the side of me that I have never had reason to show. And I promised myself I would not let anyone provoke my evils.
You make me want to be a super villain. Perhaps because you are the true despicable one.