A step too slow. A beat too late. When you grow up as a repressed child – whether it be in the social or emotional realm – it does certain things to you. Things that can be hard to grow out of.
It’s difficult to extend the hand of friendship. You build temporary relationships that don’t go beyond that, even if you yearn for something more.
You smile and go along with the current because you feel like you need permission to do. Permission to feel.
The hesitation and tentativeness before you put yourself in uncomfortable situations is all too familiar. The fear of rejection or worse yet the fear of lack of acknowledgement.
You envy those who seem to breeze through so effortlessly, who seem to open themselves to the world, billowing vulnerability and all. How can you be unafraid?
It takes a while to kick into social gear. You don’t speak because you’re watching the subtle cues in this game of socialization. You’re still trying to work out the rules of how to play.
You close yourself off in a world of your own – until one day someone comes along to free you and reveals to you that there is so much more than you know.
From that point on there’s no going back. And although now you swear you’re fine you’ve always had this inkling, this doubt. Is this really ok? Am I really fine being this way?
You want to be free of the limits you bind yourself down with, because you can do so much more.
The pent-up emotions and actions you can’t release. You need to be proactive and take the initiative, but it seems no one really understands just how much of a toll that takes on you.
They don’t see you, physically shaking, immobile in anxiety at the prospect. You don’t get angry, just enduring it.
But you’re done being laid back. You’re done being held back.
If it carries on this way, your desires remain just that – desires. They don’t translate into actions. So express, rather than repress. Strain against the restraints, push against constraints.
You’re allowed to be unapologetically yourself. It’s ok to uncensor yourself.