I don’t usually tell my friends that I keep a list of potential suitors, who are literally quite sketchy, as fantasizing about the characters from graphic novels has long been considered the domain of fan-fiction and deviantART accounts. However, as I prepare my costume for this year’s C2E2 convention in Chicago (fitting into a Silk Spectre sex kitten suit means a lot of gym time), I figured now is as good of a time as ever to give you an incomplete list of the comic book characters that really get my jets going, because after all, who said drawings couldn’t be drool-worthy?
Nancy Callahan from Sin City
Helpless hostage turned holstered hottie, Nancy Callahan isn’t your stereotypical striptease, because unlike the entire cast of Showgirls, she isn’t just your two-dimensional (well maybe just literally) “hooker with a heart of gold.” Sexy, sensitive and full of shimmy, Nancy even has the ability to melt the stoic facade of a hardened (from his 8-year false imprisonment, you pervs) John Hartigan. And though I personally dislike Jessica Alba in the movie version (not enough smolder or sass for my liking), one cannot deny that she looked great in that revolver-holstered, bedazzled bikini of hers.
Dream from The Sandman
Quite literally the man of my dreams, the aforementioned Sandman is the sulky, otherworldly sex machine who has been the object of every steampunker and Salem-loving hipster since the early 90s.
An androgynous Adonis with kohl-rimmed eyes, deathly pallor and Conor Oberst-esque brood, think Robert Smith with superpowers coupled with Benedict Cumberbatch cheekbones and an intensified existential crisis (is that even possible?). Also, the guy is practically royalty and I could definitely get used to a title like “Ultimate Overlordess of Dreams.”
Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen
Uh…super genius physicist with the ability to replicate himself, levitate and cause nuclear explosions? Not to mention a glow-in-the-dark dick?
Yeah, ’nuff said.
Rob Facincani from Black Hole
Rob isn’t even my type. I mean, the guy smokes Kools and has a scraggly-looking chin fro for crying out loud. Even so, there’s just something so high-school sexy about him. Maybe it’s because he bears a striking resemblance to Jordan Catalano with his long, luscious locks, devil-may-care attitude and raggedy shearling jacket, but it’s probably more about his thing with Chris and how naive/perfect their whole doomed, high school romance was.
Plus, if we actually went on a date, it would probably be filled with pilfered drinks, a lengthy smoke sesh and crinkly bags of chips under a moonlight sky. Le sigh.
Enid Coleslaw from Ghost World
She may not have Scarlett Johansson’s pre-pubescent nubility or Steve Buscemi’s droop-a-doop appeal, but I would ride off into the sunset in the passenger seat of Thora Birch’s hearse any day. Sporting sewer-rat hair, a probable S&M bend (the latex headgear says all) and a stink eye that puts my Grandma’s to shame, Enid Coleslaw is the sass master of comic book dream girls and my pent-ultimate fictional girl crush. After all, who else could pull off both Scooby Doo chic (that Velma-esque turtleneck looked so hot!) and butchy biker bitch at the same time?
Too bad she’s way out of my league, because this is the only way I can envision a conversation with her could go-
Me: Hey, nice Sonic Youth shirt. Are you as excited about Thurston being single as I am?
Enid: Please STFU, prep school bitch.
Yorick from Y, The Last Man
Honestly, I wouldn’t actually date him, because he complains more than I do (which is a lot, believe me), but then again how high can your standards be when there’s only one man left on Earth?