When I say “sex,” what are your first thoughts? They probably involve the physical parts of sex, such as touching, kissing, penetration, or orgasm. Some of you might be daydreaming about specific desires or erotic fantasies. Below these first thoughts, though, we all have at least two emotional needs that we are unconsciously working to balance: Certainty and Uncertainty.
Working as dominatrix and fetishist, I have seen that uncertainty has a major influence on why clients seek out the experiences they do. After the boundaries are established between us, my expertise is to give them an experience of uncertainty. This may come in a physical or psychological form, and the greater the intensity of uncertainty within the session, the more the emotional uncertainty needs of my client will be met. Many times, experiencing uncertainty manifests in the form of giving up control, and our experience together helps to balance out the certainty that is being over-fulfilled in other areas of their life.
We tend to want certainty in our lives, for sure. It keeps us steady, in a comfortable routine, and studies have shown that couples in long-term loving relationships are happier and healthier. So why the emotional need for uncertainty?
It’s simple: Shit gets boring!
Bringing an element of uncertainty into your sexual relationship can be rejuvenating and powerful! It reawakens our curiosity about each other, gives us courage to try new things, and builds confidence. Think of it as an adventure, and forge ahead into uncertainty when you or your partner feels out of balance.
Sex doesn’t start or end in the bedroom, especially for women. For the ladies, we usually need a 10-15 minute warm up before the games begin. Start building the sexual arousal hours beforehand with sweet torture by sending suggestive texts (“I have plans for you later”), sexy photos, and phone calls. Of course never fully reveal your plans, so that you keep the uncertainty strong, and use your imagination.
Plan a Secret Rendezvous:
Get creative on this one according to your and your partner’s level of openness, and embrace the uncertainty of breaking the rules. Have sex outside or in public (woods, car, party, store dressing room). Rent an hour of private play space at the local BDSM/Fetish dungeon or studio. Or, for a more mellow option, tell your partner to meet you at a restaurant or bar and role play that you’re picking them up for a one-night stand.
Keep the Mystery Alive:
Once we learn all the nooks and crannies of our partner and they become predicable, our excitement can flat line. Granted, you can still love them to death, but after getting used to their daily routines, you might need a way to refresh your view of your partner. To keep the uncertainty alive in everyday life, keep a little distance between your daily grooming routines. Having your partner shave your legs by candlelight is one thing, but coloring the greys, trimming nose hairs, and waxing your upper lip are less sexy. Let them wonder how you always manage to look fabulous. Be confident and unreadable. Come off to your partner as not needing their approval to be who you are—the air of independence is very appealing.
We all spend our days trying to minimize uncertainty—we try to plan for and avoid unpleasant surprises with our work, cars, families, and personal lives. We usually assume that stability and certainty will lead us to greater happiness, but in our romantic relationships, a little uncertainty keeps things fresh, intriguing, and exciting.