As autumn turned to winter, you disappeared, leaving the bed an even colder place to be in that season. As I laid shivering under the sheets, my heart cried for the warmth of the moments when we laughed together. I poured over ever syllable you had ever uttered; listened to your voice notes to hear the familiar bell of laughter; read each and every chat, and cried or laughed along. Somehow, I held on to fill the gaping hole in my heart. Nothing worked. I wished I could turn into a baby that raises its arms when it wants love. As insomnia struck, my favourite lullaby was the memory of your lips on my skin. All the while, I kept asking why. Was it something I did? Could I have done to stop you?
But, time never ceases. Life moves on. Seasons change and spring came. I finally learnt to let go. It took me a year, though. But what a year that was.
I went from being a disaster to strength. From lovey-doveyness to cynicism. And then I healed. I finally gave up on you.
You came back a few months later, but it was a different you. I was not me too. It was not easy to look at the new you. I kept going back to those times we shared. Those easy laughs and conversations.
Finally, I learnt to see reality without the rose tinted glasses of the beautiful past. It took a while, but I did.
Finally, you taught me to love myself. To not associate the goodness in me with the actions of anyone else, even their love.
What started as a love story with you, ended up as a love story with myself. And I must thank you for that.
I would not call you a villain. I call you the lesson that I needed to learn to appreciate myself, to learn not just self-preservation, but also self-love. After all, in those times I spent alone and lonely, I only had myself. Tomorrow, when I am alone again, I know I can bank on one person for sure — myself!
It’s been all these years, but I still haven’t forgotten. I haven’t stopped loving you — the you you were that glorious autumn. I just love me more.