1. The “Gretchen Wieners Social-Climbing” like.
You can just tell that if Facebook were around in the Mean Girls days, Gretchen Wieners would’ve been all up in Regina’s timeline like a bad smell. For the insecure social-climber Facebook is an easy way of feeling connected to those whose lives they wish they were part of. They “like” freely, frivolously, and don’t seem to care exactly what it is they’re giving their cyber approval to.
2. The “drunkenly listening to ‘Fast Car’ by Tracey Chapman” like.
Laugh as you might, this is definitely a thing. I’m convinced that anyone born before the mid-90s has a particular person or memory tied to this heart-breaking road-trip classic and, when you throw a cheap bottle of wine into the mix, it runs the risk of becoming a major social media hazard. The problem is that our “Fast Car” friends are usually filed deep in the “Do Not Disturb” section of our past and, while drunkenly singing I-ee-I had a feeling that I could be someone into an empty pizza box, we tend to forget why.
3. The “I’m single now and want to be friends again” like.
Everyone has that serial monogamous friend who swings like a love-struck Tarzan from one longterm relationship to the next. In the rare week or two of single “down time” between relationships, these romantic dependents suddenly find themselves in a foreign state of social desperation, scouring their Facebook friends list in hope of reconnecting with “the girls”. However, embarrassed by their accumulated cases of abandonment, they don’t call or message you directly – instead giving the big FB thumbs-up to your last twenty statuses, making up for lost time and proving that they were actually there for you all along. How sweet.
4. The “I don’t want to be with you but I want to maintain my emotional hold over you” like.
So while your ex won’t reply to your calls, texts, emails, snapchats, tweets, or letters delivered by carrier pigeon – they somehow find the time in their obviously-hectic schedule to “like” your latest status update about an upcoming creative endeavor. Despite what you may try to convince yourself, this isn’t their way of reaching out or apologizing for the silence. This is their way of picking at that nasty emotional scab they left you with and prolonging the healing process. Why? Because they don’t want you to move on so far that you’re out of reach – they get a kick out feeling wanted.
5. The “I genuinely meant all the things I said to you while drunk last night” like.
There’s nothing quite like bonding with a complete stranger over a number of tequila shots at a mutual friend’s house party. By the end of the night you find yourselves huddled up in a corner having what feels like the deepest and most meaningful deep and meaningful in the history of all deep and meaningfuls. You open up about everything; your childhoods, ex-lovers, bouts of depression and hopes for the future. You eventually concede that you’re kindred spirits destined to be best friends forever – and promptly add one another on Facebook. When you wake up mid-afternoon the next day with a hangover to end all hangovers, you give this new soul-friend a simple “like” – not because you’ll ever see this person again, but simply because you appreciated the heart-to-heart.
6. The “I swear I’m not a stalker but think we should be lovers” like.
After weeks of top secret under-cover web searching you finally find your cute local barista on Facebook and, proud of your investigative efforts, proceed to add him – despite having no mutual friends. Days pass before you receive that coveted, firework-inducing “Friend Request Accepted” notification and, certain it’s a sign of unrivaled mutual affection, you go on a “liking” rampage that’d scare off your own BFF.
7. The “OMG I totes get that” like.
As a generation of self-depreciatingly unique voices, we all enjoy using Facebook as a platform to share our humorous observations on the daily grind of lower-middle class life. Occasionally these observations feel so profound, so insightful that, with wide-eyes and dislodged jaw -and while nodding profusely shouting “yes!” – we hit LIKE without even a moments consideration for the “like” ripple effect, that strange and wonderful sensation whereby a “like” on Facebook delivers an unintended personal message to its recipient with as much fictional/complicated subtext as a hand-penned letter in a Jane Austen novel.