I am a circle. Well I wasn’t really going to talk about my shape. Though I have been fluctuating around there for a long long time now. It might even have been a hilarious post if I went on to describe that or ways and means to maintain or try to get out of that status. But I had something else on my mind. The circle was more to describe how I feel about people around me. I am a circle with a very small radius of people who really matter. Those whose opinions and views matter to me and whom I usually may ask for advice if I am in a dilemma.
I’m more like those nucleating factors or membrane bound receptors that I have been reading about of late (in preparing for the coming comprehensive exam) which can manage to do their activities independent of what’s attached to it. Allowing other molecules to dock onto it (with positive, negative or no apparent effect at all). These substances that dock on can do their own activities too unhindered by me (the dock). I can even share their work at times or help them work on by holding them tight (interactors in the human world, like inside the cell needs a support/ a factor to strengthen them).
BUT, there is I feel a problem with this dock. I, unlike most am not very good at adapting. I am not Big B from Mohabbatein “Maine apse kaha tha Mr.Aryan, mujhe parivartan pasand nahi, I dont like changes”. I am also not against changing yourself to suit the times (read I am not that strong to resist the changing times). But to change my values or ideals I need much much more than the fact that it may be to my advantage to do so.
Growing up, surrounded, cared for and governed by my mother, aunts and grandma (Yeah I could beat Shashi Kapoor on the “Mere pass Ma hai!” competition.) the values were dug a bit too deep to get rid of. I therefore have a spine a bit more bony than I would have preferred and found convenient to walk around with. Not just does it not allow me to accept “normal” things, but it also leads to bursts of anger (violent anger that I take out on the walls of my room or by walking long distances). Not only does it make walking around difficult, but also makes it hard for me to maintain talking terms with many. They do not need to understand I don’t bother to make them, its such a hopeless scenario.
That also leads to the danger of “tufaan main jo ped jhukta nahi hain wah toot jaata hain“. But, blame it on all the milk chocolates, or the chalks that used to disappear down my alimentary canal, the “Taste of India” Amul or the “White Revolution” (Milk for good life) Mother Dairy milk that I had to gulp down flavoured with coffee before going to school, I seem to have acquired enough calcium to sustain longer. Also, the fact that I have kind of completely adjusted to being alone helps to endure the consequences of the “bony spine”. A gift from Bengalooru, lessons from those lonely dinners and the long hated hours traveling or in my room spent by me with my “taanhaii“.