We’ve all had it happen at least once in our lives. When you least expect it, this douche bag dressed in a “Prince Charming” costume purchased at Costco, waltzes into your life and sweeps you off your feet. Their world slowly becomes your world, and you lose sight of what life was like before him. You live and breathe for him, and everything in between. Then BAM! Again, when you least expect it, he has another surprise. Except this time its to wreck your entire life just like the asshole he was all along! So, if this hasn’t happened to you yet, or it already has, here’s some nifty advice for you to follow to avoid letting that little fun sucking ex-boyfriend of yours suck any more fun out of your life!
1. COUNTRY & CLASSIC ROCK MUSIC
Just stop right now. Take the headphones off, turn your iPod off, and listen very closely. If you are, at all, trying to avoid putting your heart and soul through anymore torture, put the sappy love songs up for another year. This music will make you cry over someone else’s break-up, imagine what it will do to you during your own? Don’t do it to yourself. Country music is bad, but have you ever listened to Aerosmith sing “Angel” right after you have been dumped?! Yes, Steven Tyler, I put away my pride too, but this asshole doesn’t care. I’ll be your angel. What about “Faithfully” by Journey? This is some real shit, like really deep, heart wrenching songs that just make you cry and cry and cry! So dry those eyes, and turn on some music in some language you cant understand. Gangnam Style always did have a good beat to it.
2. SOCIAL NETWORK
Facebook is Satan’s offspring. Instagram, Twitter, and any other social networks are Facebook’s children, which means they’re Satan’s grandchildren. That means they all have the devil in them! Stay away! Go to account settings, and click deactivate, then delete the app because we all know its a pain in the ass to get on any of them via safari. Therefor you will be less tempted to log back in. Everyone lives this fairy tale life on social networks to convince the world their life is always sunshine and roses. I have this theory that I tell everyone, and that’s this….If you have to spend all day writing how much you love your other half, and you feel the need to post “I love you” on his wall 10 times a day, you’re not just trying to convince the world, you’re trying to convince yourself too. Chances are the relationship is more screwed up than the Clinton household when Monica made herself a part of the family! Just don’t torture yourself by reading someone else’s fairy tale. Write your own.
3. BEING THIRD WHEEL
We all have that one friend whom is recently engaged and lives on cloud nine. Mine just happened to be my best friend, and the man I begged to ask her out on a date 6 months ago. Just be happy for them, do NOT try to push your negativity towards men off on her, and take notes from their sickening perfect life. They’re happy for a reason. However, do NOT play third wheel. Its sweet they still include you, and are trying to help you through this, because that’s what best friends do. Just know that you’re going to feel worse about yourself leaving at the end of the night than you did going at the beginning of the evening. Don’t sit there and watch them whisper sweet nothings into each others ears while you stuff your face with cheesecake, just because its the only thing that cant make you cry right now. That leads me to number four.
4. DON’T DROWN YOUR EMOTIONS WITH FOOD
Ok, cheesecake is great, but lets be realistic. You can not sit in bed and eat enough for three people and expect to feel better about yourself. You might have a smile on your face, but just wait until you try to put on those skinny jeans that fit you oh so perfectly two weeks ago! Now you cant get them past your thighs. So tell me how good that cheesecake really was? You have to make sure you give your ex something to miss next time you see him so he can get a good look at exactly what he threw away! Work it girl!
If the asshole had kids, say your goodbyes to them too. You’re not their mother and have no logical reason to torture yourself bad enough to keep that chain between you all. Your memory will fade from them as soon as they’re done milking you for all they can while you’re freshly broken hearted and want nothing more than for them to not hate you. There’s a really big chance that they really could give a shit less because they probably hated sharing their dad anyway, so just keep on moving.
6. HIS FRIENDS ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS
Just because you saw them at every fancy dinner party in your neighborhood, and probably had more time spent with them than you did your own friends, do not get the misinterpretation that his friends are your friends. You can NOT confide in them. Chances are they’re going to sit there and listen to everything you say acting as if they give a shit. Then they will jump on the first opportunity they have to go back to the asshole and twist every word that never came out of your mouth.
7. DON’T INVOLVE YOUR FAMILIES
This is one of the most important pieces of advice you can ever be offered. Take it and never forget it for the rest of your life. When you go through a break-up, do NOT, and I repeat do NOT, involve your families. Rule #1: That is his family. Let him have his family during this time. His mother did not birth you, and he has the right to have his mother on his ‘side’. This includes, siblings, cousins, and friends as well. Rule #2: Your mother did birth you, which means she will protect you until her last breath. If you ever make her feel like he wronged you in any way whatsoever, she will hate him for eternity. She will never forgive him or accept him to be a part of your family again. If you choose to bring him back around, it will evidently be pure misery for him. In return it will run him right back out the door he used to reappear in your life. Moral of the lesson is this, be adults and end the relationship that only the two of you were involved in. Just incase you are naïve enough to take the asshole back, play it safe and keep your families out of it.
8. GET OUT OF BED, BUT DO NOT JUMP INTO SOMEONE ELSE’S
Go ahead, stay in bed for a couple days, listen to Aerosmith all you want, binge eat a couple of cheesecakes, and skip a shower or two. Then get over your pity party and get that sweet little ass out of bed! Nobody has ever had a productive life by sympathizing for themselves their entire life. Don’t let that asshole get the best of you. He doesn’t deserve to steal anymore sunshine from your days than he already has. Don’t give him the power to do that. Get your ass up and go do something. Go flirt with the hottie next door that you’ve been watching for 6 months now. Do anything that will keep him off your mind, just do NOT jump into someone else’s bed! That is one of the worst things possible to do. If you do that, before you know it you’ll be crying on his shoulder, telling him how much you ‘think’ you love him (for all the wrong reasons), and start acting like the inner crazy bitch that all of us women were born with. Then guess what happens next? He’s gone too! You’re way to emotionally unstable right now, just don’t allow anyone to get close enough to take advantage of this fact. Most importantly, make sure you’re not making yourself emotionally available just to try and fill a missing void in your life at the moment.
9. DON’T PLAY THE PITY PARTY
It’s ok to be sad. You’ve earned the right, and you don’t have to pretend like you’ve just won a Grammy. Its unnecessary to hide “weakness”. It’s perfectly ok for people to know you’re definitely not on cloud 9 right now. However, it is NOT ok to beg for sympathy and talk about your dying love life to anyone that will listen. Save the rest of the world from you being “that girl”. Nobody likes to be around that kind of negativity. Cheer up buttercup, you have brighter days ahead of you.
I mean this literally and via the internet. This kind of falls back to #2. Stalking literally is illegal, and just plain creepy. Stalking via internet, is awful and pointless. Don’t do it to yourself. All you’re doing is torturing yourself, and breaking your heart more than it already is. It’s none of your business what he is doing, or what his mom, sister, cousin, friends, and whomever else you feel necessary to follow in order to keep up with him. Don’t start Facebook creepin’ on him during every spare moment you have. Don’t post things on social media towards him either. That’s just attention seeking. You’re only embarrassing yourself by doing so. Also, do NOT stalk every ex-girlfriend he’s ever had, or anyone you think he might be after. That pertains to people currently in a relationship as well. People live a fairy tale life on the internet, and so everything is always going to seem much better than it actually is in real life.