The belief is that depression can be detected. It may look similar to the face of someone who is tired or sad. But the truth is that depression can’t always be seen or detected. The truth is that depression is so much more.
Depression is the girl who puts effort into looking like she has it all together so that you can’t tell that she falls apart every single night. Depression is the boy who is always so cheerful and smiling as a way to mask the pain because the thought of someone asking why he looks so unhappy makes him want to completely unravel. Depression is the girl who laughs the loudest at the jokes you tell and her smile is usually the brightest. You see, depression is not easily detected.
Someone once asked me, “What do you have to be depressed about? You have everything going for you. You have your own business and you’re going to your dream school. You have everything you want in life. What’s so sad about that?” I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach. Just because things are going well for me doesn’t mean that my depression automatically goes away. It’s not a switch I can turn off. You could be the richest person in the world, the funniest comedian, have anything and everything you ever wanted in life and still be depressed.
Depression does not discriminate.
Depression for me comes in waves or maybe something like seasons. I can’t control it. It sneaks up on me at 3 in the afternoon when I’m in the middle of my shift at work. Or at 6 in the evening when I’m in the middle of having dinner with my parents or my best friend. It sneaks up on me and pulls me into this deep hole. It’s dark and its cold and it’s absolutely terrifying. Sometimes I’m too consumed by it that I feel like I don’t have control anymore and I pray that I don’t wake up the next day. It’s a constant battle. Depression is everything and nothing.
It’s a mixture of sadness, anxiety, self-loathing, hopelessness and feeling nothing all at once. Having to juggle all of those emotions inside of you all at once is a special kind of hell and the battle that you deal with on a daily basis is exhausting. But over the years I have learned that I don’t have to go through it alone. I have learned that it’s okay to admit that I’m struggling and that I need help. I hope that you have the courage to admit it too because outside of the darkest parts of life, it’s really truly beautiful. And you deserve to see the beauty in it and in yourself. You are worthy and you deserve to be loved.
You are alive and you deserve happiness. Better days are ahead and you are not alone in your struggles.