To The Boy I Loved When I Was With Someone Else

“Of course I love you, it is my fault that you have not known it all the while.” —Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Summer 2012. That was when I met you. I remember we were at some mutual friend’s surprise birthday party, walking past each other, total strangers. I remember your future girlfriend walked over to me and said, “He wants to meet you.” I had a boyfriend, but I accepted. We were introduced, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Over the next three years, you became my best friend, my number one confidante, my buddy through everything. We learned a little bit too much about each other – our dreams, our goals, our deepest darkest (or weirdest) secrets. You told me about your problems, and I told you about mine. In those late night conversations, we just talked and talked and talked till sunrise about anything and everything.

We stayed up late to watch the NBA playoffs, woke up early to watch the NBA playoffs. Our hangouts consisted of just you and me – whether it be driving around the city, playing video games on your couch, or just eating fast good in the living room. We never once ran out of things to say to one another, no matter how long we were together.

But you know all of that already. You know the story of our friendship. What you don’t know is how I felt all the way through.

I always felt that something was different with you. Not in that 50’s film noir romance kind of way, but just in the sense that it was something I hadn’t felt before – not with my family, my other friends, or even my boyfriend. You always made me feel special and interesting, like a person of value. No matter how busy or hectic your life was, you would always respond to my stupid problems and stay supportive all throughout.

You never once failed to tell me what I needed to hear, even if it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear. It was just so… different. There’s no other word to describe the feeling. Over time, I found myself looking for you more and more. You were the very first person I would go to for both good and bad things. I found myself going out of my way to see you, to make sure you were okay, to give you what you wanted. I stayed up late on nights that I had important tests or events to talk to you when you needed me. It’s corny to say, but you just really made me so happy.

The first time you called me your best friend, I remember I didn’t stop smiling for maybe 36 hours. You constantly amaze me each and every day and it scares the crap out of me. It really does. A lot.

These feelings I have, I know, are wrong. I have someone, and so did you for a long time. I honestly do love my boyfriend with all my heart, but it’s just not the same. Why don’t I just break up with him? Honestly, I don’t know. He’s important to me, and so are you. I couldn’t possibly choose. You don’t know how much I wish I could just turn my emotions off and enjoy life and not let these things get to me, but point is, they do.

I’ve been trying for years now to get the voice in my head to shut up, but it just won’t. It’s gotten to the point where I just sort of accept it and push through it, because I know that it’s for the best. I never intend to act on them or actually do anything, but the feelings are there. I can’t keep denying that.

You’re my best best best best friend. You’re one of my favorite people in the whole world. And I love you. I tell you I love you all the time but I don’t know if you understood exactly what I meant.

I guess the point of this is just to let you know how important you really are to me. Your presence in my life has helped me in ways that I can’t explain at all. Seeing you smile, hearing you sing when we’re on the phone, analyzing stats with you – it just never gets old. Because it’s you. At my darkest moments, it was you who I looked for and it was you who was there. You’ll never know how grateful I am for that and how much I appreciate you.

Your friendship has been the constant in my life, and if there’s one person I’d never want to let go of, it’s you. I’m not asking for you to reciprocate my feelings or run away with me or any of that – all I really want to say is that you’re amazing and I’m happy you’re around. I never thought that that boy I met in a random birthday party three years ago would affect me this much, but in all honesty, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Thank you for everything. You know the rest. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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