I recently began reading, Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. It’s incredible. She’s incredible. As a mother, a wife, a blogger, a woman, a writer, etc. etc. etc. Great read. The book is a total therapy session. So prepare yourself for some deep soul searching.
She discusses her first encounter and relationship with a man. She describes in great detail the pain she endured and the facade she was forced to craft if she wanted to earn his mere presence. She lost herself. And I’ve been there before. Some days I think there might be pieces of me that are still here. Hollis says, “As I write these words, I’m crying…I am so sad for that little girl who didn’t know better. I am devastated that nobody prepared her for life or taught her to love herself so she wasn’t so desperate to get any form of it from someone else. I’m sad that she had to figure it out on her own. I’m disappointed that it took her so long.”
I felt that same disappointment.
These were things that I internalized. For so long. Too long. I had never felt smaller.
Well, here I am, and I am so fucking happy to be able to say that I am no longer stuck. At one point, I had accepted that this was my identity forever. A girl incapable of love. A girl undeserving of love. I can’t imagine having a little girl who feels as if she doesn’t deserve to be loved. If I one day have a daughter, I will remind her every day of her worth. I will make SURE that she loves herself. Every part of herself.
This process of growth isn’t linear. I have days where I feel like I’m losing myself all over again. These little emotional relapses. But because I have the ability to now identify them as cruel and false, I can control my emotional reaction to them. I am learning to say no. I am learning to look at myself in the mirror when I get out of the shower instead of running to the next room to quickly dress myself. I’m learning to love my love handles. I’m learning to praise myself. I’m learning to prioritize myself. I am learning to stop being so fucking apologetic. I’m learning to stop trying to control every detail of life.
I am learning to love myself.
For whoever this entry resonates with:
I hope you find courage when reading this. I hope you feel less alone. I hope you apologize to yourself for being so hard on yourself when you slept with someone after the first date. I hope you tell yourself you are beautiful. I hope the people around you remind you that you are beautiful. I hope you feel beautiful. I hope you find someone who gives you all of the love you deserve. I hope you stop blaming yourself for letting him touch you when you weren’t even conscious. I hope you eat that cake without feeling guilty. I hope you drink wine and smile at the messages on the wrappers of dove chocolate. I hope you have days without makeup. I hope you wear heels even if you look like a drunken giraffe when you walk. I hope you can laugh at yourself. I hope you find someone that shares the same sense of humor with you. I hope you fall in love with someone. But above all else…I hope you fall in love with yourself.