So many articles in the parenting blogosphere discuss the challenges of balancing the competing roles of wife and mother. At first glance this seems reasonable; there is so much societal pressure to excel at child-rearing and just as much to be emotional, mental, and sexual soul mates with your partner. But at second glance, I’m like, WTF guys, this stuff is easy-peasy. Let me give you some examples of situations where lesser mortals may struggle, but to a SuperMomWife like me, there is an obvious, elegant solution that allows you to excel at both momming and wifing like a boss.
1. Feign a nervous breakdown.
Your husband wants to be intimate. Your baby wants to co-sleep. Hmm…seems whatever you do here, someone loses, right? I beg to differ, Grasshopper. The answer is obvious. If you “feign” (ha ha) a nervous breakdown, your husband will offer to take the baby for all his night feedings while you catch up on sleep and stop convulsing in shuddering sobs and making that awful lowing sound. The Hubs won’t want to have sex anymore, either. Can you say win-win?
2. Make him watch the kids while you get drunk.
Your husband wants you to ask about his day with the enthusiasm you used to muster when you used to actually care about the answer. Your children want to suck up every iota of your emotional energy and render you incapable of even the most basic human interaction outside of ministering to their never-ending needs.
What to do? Wait in the car for the Hubbilator to return home. The instant he walks through the door, reverse quickly down the driveway. As he deals with three half-naked hungry children, call him from the bar around the corner where you’re eating your burger and drinking a beer, blessedly alone. Ask eagerly how the big meeting went. Refuse to let him get off the phone.
3. Get violently ill to avoid cuddling.
Your husband wants you to want to cuddle (yes, cuddling itself isn’t enough). Your skin crawls at the prospect of being touched after 12 hours of nursing and carrying 40-pound toddlers. Uncertain about how to come out of this smelling like roses? Here it is: Intentionally contract a debilitating stomach virus by covertly licking the face and hands of the nearest sick child you encounter during your children’s well-child visits. The HubMan won’t be asking you to cuddle when you’re vomiting up bile. BOO-YA, WHO’S SMART NOW?
4. Start an affair with the UPS guy.
Your husband wants to go on a couples vacation but you don’t want to leave your 9-month-old. Layup right here: Start having an affair with the UPS guy, also known as the only man you see besides your husband. The next time the H-B brings up the Jamaican resort, confess your adultery. Instant topic changer! Slam dunk, my friend.
5. Force him to watch your toddler his own damn self.
Your husband isn’t happy with the fact that you wear his old T-shirts, stopped waxing five years ago, and gained 35 pounds. He expresses this with passive-aggressive jibes and surreptitious stares at 20-year-old women on the street. Your toddler isn’t happy when you go to the gym, the salon, or the mall and expresses this with violent tantrum-throwing and head banging.
Hell to the no this isn’t a no-win situation, girlfriend. Watch and learn. First, strap your toddler to your back with duct tape. Then walk all the way to the H-Dawg’s place of business. This should burn a good 300 calories and tone your cankles, especially since you’re wearing sexy heels to please your man. When you enter Hubbikins’ office, remove your toddler using industrial-grade shears strategically secreted in your black-lace pushup bra for this very purpose and give him to your husband to watch for the day while you go to the bar—I mean, to the gym and Victoria’s Secret. Repeat daily until your husband shuts his fool mouth. #winning
There you have it, fellow SuperMomWives. Being everything to everyone is not only possible, it’s almost embarrassingly easy. Don’t share these tips with everyone though, or you risk everyone turning into a SuperMomWife like you, and you know the point of parenting and marriage is to do it better than your peer group. Now go give your husband a back massage while you do phonics with your grade-schooler and check your preschooler for lice. Don’t forget to smile!