How To Have The Sex You Want (And Deserve)

Sex is complicated. Here are some tips to help ensure that you always have the sex you desire.

1. Have your own sexual agency. Every time you have sex, it should be because both you and your partner want to have sex. Your sexual desires and needs should always come first. You shouldn’t find yourself having sex for any reason other than that YOU want to have it. Don’t have sex just to please your partner, and don’t do things sexually that you’re not comfortable with because your partner is pressuring you into them. Sex is not a one-way street, so always make sure that every time you engage in it, it is for your pleasure, enjoyment, and desire.
2. Know your body. When it comes to sex, most people would say that the desired goal is to have an orgasm…(or three). If you don’t know what pleases your own body, how can your partner? Achieving orgasm is a lot more complex for women than it is for men, so if you never masturbate or explore what your body likes and responds to, it will be very difficult for your partner (especially if they’re male), to be able to get you off. Don’t be afraid to touch yourself. Learn what turns you on and gets you off then tell your partner!
3. Don’t be self-conscious. When you are worrying about how your body looks, or if the sounds you’re making are normal, or anything else you’re not focusing on the pleasure your body is receiving, and are making it that much harder for yourself to have an orgasm. You need to realize that the person who is having sex with you is not thinking about that extra five pounds on your stomach, or the stubble on your legs. They are enjoying everything about your body in this moment and are not going to notice the little things that are making you self-conscious. Love your body and stop being worried your partner isn’t into.
4. Communicate with your partner (before, during, and after sex). This seems like such a simple concept that it shouldn’t have to be noted but so many times people feel that they can’t talk openly about their sexual desires with their partner, which is extremely hindering to the quality of the sex. If you tell your partner what you enjoy during sex, or what turns you on then they will know to do those things, and give you exactly what you desire during sex, and vice-versa. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner exactly what works for you during sex and what doesn’t. Communicating your desires to your partner will ensure that you both know what the other one wants during sex, and can honestly be a real turn on as you say and listen to each other’s sexual fantasies and desires.
5. Don’t fake it!!! If you’re having sex and an orgasm just isn’t happening, the worst thing you can do is fake it. Although in the moment, it may seem like an easier, less awkward solution than telling your partner that you just can’t get there, you are doing a HUGE disservice to both you and your partner. When you fake it you are preventing your partner from learning how to become a better lover, and are preventing yourself from the possibility of actually having any orgasms with this person in the future because they think that what they’re doing is getting you off. Unless your partner is completely selfish, they’re going to want you to fully enjoy having sex with them, including wanting you to have an orgasm. You don’t have to be mean or point fingers when you tell your partner you didn’t finish, just be positive and helpful, and give some suggestions they can use to help you reach that big O (more than once). They’ll appreciate it, trust me.
6. Give directions/don’t be afraid to help out. We as humans are very complex beings. Therefore, what feels amazing for one person, may feel extremely unpleasant for another. Your partner may have had sex with someone previously who loved having their neck nibbled on during sex, so they do it with you, all the while you are feeling extremely uncomfortable because you actually hate the sensation of it. If you don’t guide your partner to what feels good for you and want doesn’t, they won’t know how to please you, so don’t be afraid to give instructions to your partner during sex. Phrases like, “I like it when you do __________________,” or, “Can you put a little more pressure here?” “Can you touch me there?” etc., are extremely vital for your partner to know how to please you, and get you off. You won’t offend your partner by coaching them a little. If anything they will be grateful to you for basically handing them a road map that will lead you to an orgasm.
7. Be in the moment. Like I said earlier, having the most fulfilling sex, and being able to reach orgasm is a complex thing, especially for women. If you are thinking about other things during sex like the paper you have due soon, the amount of laundry you have piled up in your room, or a recent fight you got into with a friend, you are making it that much harder to have truly fulfilling sex (or an orgasm). When you’re having sex, the only thing you should be thinking about is the sex. Enjoy the sensations and pleasure your body is feeling, and don’t preoccupy yourself with other things going on in your life. Sex should be an enjoyable, fun, pleasure-filled experience, and it can also be a great release and stress-reducer if you’re able to reach that orgasm. So don’t let your to do list or other worries cloud your mind during sex. Let sex time, be sex time.
8. Be comfortable with your partner. Although there are a lot of things about sex that can sometimes make it unavoidably awkward, a big way to eliminate any awkwardness is to be completely comfortable with the person you are having sex with. Obviously there are times when sex with someone who you maybe don’t know that well or aren’t as comfortable with will happen, but I will say from personal experience that the best sex I have ever had was with people who I felt totally comfortable with. Because I was so comfortable with them, I wasn’t self-conscious during sex, or afraid to tell them exactly what I wanted. The more comfortable you are with your partner, the better and more fulfilling the sex will be.