This is probably one the most honest things I’ve written with the notion to expose it to everyone I know. I hope everything comes out coherent and I’m assuming a lot of people can relate to the fear of actually saying you have depression out loud.
Whenever I talk about the cloud of depression that sometimes consumes me, seven times out of ten the person I’m talking to can relate to all the deep dark feelings I’m dealing with. So then why is it so hard for me to open up about it? I’m probably the biggest hypocrite right now because this is the hardest post I’ve ever had to make. The idea of these words being public terrifies me but I refuse to let that hold me back.
I’ve had my spells with depression on and off since I was in middle school. I had a good childhood, great parents, and lived in an amazing area. So a lot of my shame talking about my depression comes from the question; what the hell do I have to be depressed about?
After reading countless articles and discussions about it, I finally am getting to the point of accepting that it happens. Depression doesn’t care who you are, where you’ve been, or what you’re dealing with; it’ll come for anyone with guns blazing.
Discussing my depression with someone my face gets flushed with shame, my hands shake a bit, and that pesky pit in my stomach grows for a moment. What am I so scared of? Judgement? Them thinking I am crazy? Being told that I need to get over it? It’s thoughts like these that keep me from reaching out.
Like a lot of other people dealing with depression, I’m typically a very happy person while also being extremely insecure. I like people saying I’m the one always smiling. I like looking on the positive side of things. I try to see the glass half full even though I know for a fact right now it’s half empty.
Being consumed by depression is different for everyone. For me it comes with crying fits, paranoia, anxiety, and so much demotivation. I’m hating myself, questioning what the point of life is, and consuming every piece of chocolate that I manage to purchase. Yet I am so terrified to confide to someone about it. Even if I try to open up to my best friend I feel so embarrassed and hopeless.
I don’t know if this is supposed to be comforting knowing other people go thru this. Meaning it breaks my heart to think of someone else going thru the same thoughts or experiencing the darkness that seems to surround me out of nowhere. It’s not fun and it’s serious.
I think the worse was when I actually got to the point of wanting to end everything. (Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to type by the way.) That was the scariest feeling.
Yet I’m so scared to tell anyone that. I let my pride get the best of me and refuse to seek professional help. Saying that I’m an adult and need to get through this myself. Whether that’s the best way to go about it, I’m not sure. But it has been working so far. I always hate the idea of my friends looking at me differently.
Is this going to be affecting me the rest of my life? Maybe. I have grown up with it and figured out different ways to cope/manage it. It isn’t always easy. Sometimes I really want to give up but knowing how beautiful life can be really keeps me going. Realizing it’s not something I need nor should I keep bottled up. I don’t need to scream “HEY I SUFFER FROM DEPRESSIONS SOMETIMES” at the top of my lungs on a hill. But opening up to my loved ones about what I go thru does help…a lot. Seeing the articles of people sharing their own deep dark demons is helpful in knowing that hey, it can be okay. So I’m here to tell you, if you ever feel like I described or even worse or less…I’m telling you, yeah, it can be okay. Don’t give up, ever.