Over five years have passed since I graduated from college. That means my drunken days of debauchery and immaturity are five years behind me. Looking back on those days now, I cringe at more than half the things I used to do (or did even once). And then cringe again because I continued doing a lot of these things after I graduated when I was in that awkward period of “Help me I feel like I’m still in college but I’m not…how do I adult?!”
Here are 13 things I (and you) did in college that we would neveeeeer do now (okay, at least we would never ADMIT to doing):
1. Create a Facebook photo album and name it after a top 40 song. Preferably a rap song or a song having to do with drinking.
2. Pour a mixed drink into a plastic water bottle and bring it out with you. And then down it in the bathroom. Or order a soda at the bar and run into the bathroom to pour your vodka water bottle in it. Maybe this would never happen now because you could never get a water bottle into the bar… but you would also never make you drink in a plastic water bottle anymore for the pregame. And that’s probably because there no longer is a pregame. Sigh.
3. Go out even though you are sick to the point where you are on your death bed. Ear infection? Drinks. Temperature? Shots. On antibiotics? FUNNEL BEERS. My liver is nonexistent at this point.
4. Want to go on Spring Break during March. Back then you wanted to go to an “All-Inclusive Party” with as many people as possible. Now you want to go on “Vacation” with as little people as possible. The relaxation is real.
5. Eat a Lean Cuisine. Excuse me while I THROW UP EVERYWHERE.
6. Go home with a person you just met, before seeing any sort of online profile. If they went to the same college as you that meant they were safe. Now, they’re just a random at a bar. Could be a murderer, unless you have friends in common on an online dating app, just sayin’.
7. Wear a dress with no tights when it’s below 50 degrees outside… or snowing. I am cold just thinking about it.
8. Search for yourself in pictures on someone’s Facebook album from a party you were at. This is because no one puts a million pictures on Facebook anymore. And also because you don’t go to parties anymore :\
9. Hang posters on your wall as decor.What were you even thinking?
10. Let strangers into your home for a party, or go to a stranger’s home for a party. “Hi I’m here for the gang bang.” Basically.
11. Think that standing shoulder to shoulder in a stranger’s home while drinking from a red solo cup and sweating profusely, not able to move, was fun. This was never fun, guys. Crowded house parties were NEVER FUN. Think about it.
12. Work for no money. No no no no no no no no, must be able to afford life.
13. Drink a liter of Captain Morgan in one night. Lol, that was just me? Well, can’t do THAT anymore.