Four and a half years ago, I had a grand idea to start a blog. I named it “Forever Twenty Somethings” and wrote about my favorite music, my obsession with the scale, and my drinking problem. I wrote about how much I missed college and how much I hated working. Months later, the site somehow developed a following of people and in return, I developed an online persona.
At first, my online persona and I were pretty cool. We drank vodka. We went out all the time. We had no interest in growing up, and we were poor AF. We were just so god damn relatable, and people apparently wanted to read about it.
As I got older, I started going out less and working more, and therefore became significantly less cool, but that couldn’t be the case for my online persona. So, as internet-Sam entered her mid-late 20s, she started watching a lot of Netflix, eating a significant amount of pizza instead of socializing, and drank wine on the reg. She also still had no interest in grown-up-life things like getting married and settling down. And according to Instagram, she still went out, like, all the time and had SoOoOoOoOo many friends.
In reality, I did not feel like I was living the same life that people assumed I was because of what I posted online. I didn’t even feel like the same person that I acted like online. Basically, my online persona is (unfortunately) not me. I wish it was, but I am just not as cool as this person I created online. And chances are, you aren’t either…
Here are 10 signs you are cooler on the internet:
1. The majority of your Instagram posts are of you on vacation, out with friends, or doing expensive things. You just conveniently manage not to post pictures of the things you do 85% of the time, including: working in a cubicle, sitting on the couch in sweats, fighting with your significant other, paying bills, cringing at your bank account, the list goes on.
2. More people like your photos online than the number of people you have talked to in the past month. You keep fooling, the number keeps growing. Now, how do you go about having this many friends IRL?
3. You don’t actually watch Netflix on your couch, but instead sit and stare at your computer. I can probably count on my fingers the times I have spent browsing and watching Neflix. When I am home with time to kill, I am going to spend it writing and working on this website – not watching a random TV show. There is literally no time to get into a new show. This blogger ain’t got no time for binge watching.
4. You would rather watch a TV show with Twitter than with friends. And when we say “watch a TV show,” we mean stare at your computer listening to the TV show so you can post about it online. You have more people to converse with while live tweeting shows than you do on your phone.
5. Celebrities have engaged with you online somehow, but would never acknowledge you IRL. Did your fave actor favorite your tweet? Did a celebrity share your article? Did a cast member of your favorite show follow you? Is this your claim to fame? Yeah? Okay.
6. You drink more online than you do IRL. Despite what my online persona would lead you to believe, I don’t drink wine during the week. I have never once come home from a long day at work wanting a glass of wine. I don’t see the point in consuming the unnecessary calories. My online persona, though. She drinks wine alllll the time. I don’t even drink wine every weekend. In fact, sometimes I prefer vodka.
7. You will approach anyone online, but you have trouble making conversation with people in real life. It’s just easier online.
8. You are fine with confrontation on the internet, but aren’t a big fan when it has to go down in person. For instance, if Verizon fucks you over with an unnecessarily huge phone bill one month, you can yell at them online and maybe get some money back because of it. If you did this in store, though, which you never would because you’re too much of a pussy, this wouldn’t work because no one knows you’ve got a huge following in person.
9. Your comments do not get as many laughs as they do likes when said out loud. You’re better at typing than you are at speaking, and you can only be witty when you’re limited to 140 characters. Funny online and not funny IRL is your life.
10. You love social media, but you hate being social. Oxymoron at it’s best, but so extremely real. Right?